SHADOWS REALM

Daddie Nomming On A Mouse

2010-03-18T16:12:00.001-04:00

Nothing much to update with yet, but oh hey look, here's a video of Daddie eating :-)

*runs off*

Goodbye Microsoft

2010-02-12T01:33:00.003-05:00

There comes a moment in everyones life that where they have to experience eating dirt (their own words, humble pie, crow). This is a moment.

Everyone who knows me knows that I am ANTI APPLE/MAC. I have been this way for years. I don't have the energy to get into it now, but it is mainly because of thier business ethics. And the fact that thier products are so glorified and monotomous. i-this and i-that.

But as much as I have been a Dell stan for since 2003, I am over it. And I am over Windows too.

Yeah, I said it.

Tuesday night of this week I did a dumb thing. A dumb thing that I never suspected would be a dumb thing. I installed an automatic security update from windows. I clicked on the trustworthy little yellow shield that notified 'You have updates to install', and allowed the 11 packets to successfully be integrated into my system. Trustworthy little data that took only 12 minutes to completely FAIL MY SYSTEM.

Thats right. A MICROSOFT UPDATE carried conflicting data that caused a complete operating system failure so bad to the point that Dell said the only thing that could be done was to format and reinstall. All data would be lost.

I call Microsoft to light into them about how it's their fault a laptop computer less than 6 months old with over 250GB of memory and no history of downloads and still under warranty CRASHED. I didn't even get an I'm sorry. Not even a complimentary product key for my troubles. I get a 'Call Dell, it's their problem'.

Ohweally?

Thank goodness 95% percent of my data has been backed up (learned my lesson the first time). The other 5% I can take as a loss (5 game files lost including the Wonderland Mysteries of Fire Island that I just finished after 6 months of playing! A few songs, one of which I can't find again, and some documents and bookmarks). Right now thanks to my cousin, my system has been wiped clean and I am running Windows 7.... For now.

I hate to say this but.....

I'm saving up for a Mac book air.....

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER?

2010-02-03T21:02:00.004-05:00

I have something great to blog about for a change!

My birthday today so far has to be the best one in 7 years. Not only have a broken my birthday crying streak (not one tear yet) but I felt so much love and glee today that I had to share.

My day started by a bunch of text messages coming in wishing me a happy birthday from people that I didn't even know would remember. I lazed around in bed and then go up to shower to head to Sephora to pick up my free birthday gift as well as a Benefit product I wanted to try for a while that was on my wishlist. On a whim I headed downstairs to Godiva to try their dark choclate heart shaped cookies for Valntines. On a whim I decided to try thier choclate covered strawberries as I had never had one before, and I told the lady it was my brithday and I might as well give myself a 1st time treat. She was shocked I had never had the pleasure of having a chocolate covered strwberry and gave me a great deal on a cone full of them. She signed me up for thier rewards card, gave me a free piece of choclate, and cut me some beautiful teal ribbon with 'Happy Birthday' printed on it which I have tied into a bow around my neck now. I was already feeling good when I headed back on the train to make my lunch date with Chesca at Veggie Palate on Flatbush in Brooklyn. Grub there was good as usual (thanks again Chesca!); we ordered crispy nuggets, mango chicken and a scallion pancake. I had a carrot & pineapple juice which is my new fav.

After we mused around in Target and walked a bit of the grub off I headed to West 4th solo to grab my anual birthday dinner of lemon chicken at VP1 only to come to the front door and see it completely demolished inside. They had just shut it down yesterday for renovations! I almost wanted to cry and stood outside looking in pouting when a guy named Phillip came out and told me that I can go to the sister store Red bamboo two stores down. I whined a bit and told him I like THIS store and how I alway have my birthday dinner here. He then asked me what were my favourite dishes here and after I had named them off he called one of the guys inside the store to come and prepare me my lemon chicken dinner! I was in SHOCK! He told me dont worry I will have the cook make it for you in about 5 minutes. I cant tell you how special I feel right now! When he brought me my dinner he said he threw in some icecream too because it's my birthday and only charged me for teh lemon chicken and not the rice I ordered with it. I then walked with him to Red Bamboo to pay for the meal and when I got there he said ' Wait, I will throw in an order of buffallo chicken for you as well' (one of the favourite dishes I had mentioned earlier) and was back off into the kitchen. I couldn't thank this guy enough. 10 minutes later I walked back to the subway with 2 bags of yummy grub and only ended up paying $8 for everything.

I just popped the icecream in the freezer and I am just going to chill the rest of the birthday out.
finally a day when I felt special!

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.

Diet Overhaul

2010-01-26T04:04:00.004-05:00

It's been over a month since I posted. Laziness and lack of motivation. Sometimes I just need to focus on stuff going on in real life and not so much about the Internets.

I started off January with another master cleanse. I am currently on Day 9 and it sucks. This cleanse is the worst ever. This is my 3rd cleanse, and everything I am experiencing is completely different. I figured I had it covered; knowing what to expect based on my first two cleanses and the daily djournaling of each I made. Not so with this one. Day 4 was my expected 'threshold' day when I no longer feel hunger, but every single day has been miserable. I stopped drinking the mixture by day three and have been strictly on water and peppermint tea. The acid burning my throat at nights, teeth sensitivity and constant uncontrollable hunger pains has me in misery. It makes me want to never do this again. I am completing 14 days this time and have no idea how I am going to make it through this week. The plus side is I already have 13lbs loss, and I am determined to make it a total of 20lbs by Monday to really feel like it was all worth it. I will transition into solids for Monday and Tuesday so that I can enjoy my first post cleanse meal on my Birthday.

Speaking of birthday, I can only assume that I have reached the point that most grown ups do when they dread their birthdays and the increase of age it comes with. I found myself just this weekend thinking about next week Wednesday and lo and behold out of nowhere I reminded myself that I was turning one year older. I instantly became depressed! No seriously, this is not a joke; I was nearly in tears. I feel like my life has somehow just breezed right into adult hood and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. At the rate I was going just a few years ago, with me busting my bum in school, I thought I would be in Med school by this age. I should be. But things slowed down and life went in another direction, and here I am just hoping to get employment within the month of February. I always consented to the fact that my childhood was robbed from me. I can't cry over the fact that I was forced to mature so quickly, and the hardships I faced as an adolescent gave me the drive to do everything early and as fast as possible (in college at 16 ect). I flashed back to a time in my early teens where I always told myself that I would have been married and had my first child before 21 (I was stupid! I have to laugh because now I don't want or care for either marriage or children!). But gosh, here I am turning 23 and suddenly I feel old, and wasted and sad. It is sad. I suddenly feel like I am on that roller coaster everyone talks about where 'It's all down hill from here'. I feel like when I blink again I will be 30. I don't know whats going to shake me out of this mood, but I do know I need to get over it.

Aside from my boo-hooing everything is doing well. I just need to keep myself busy instead of driving myself crazy. I am releasing some of this bad energy I have been dealing with via Violin. I take lessons every Thursday and my instructor is very sweet and a great teacher. I want to perfect this instrument (like I did clarinet) yet I am still intimidated by it. My dream is to be able to play all of my favourite compositions by heart.

After this cleanse I am doing a complete diet overhaul, from what I consume to how much. For real this time. I try to eat healthy in my home, but most times I succumb to bad foods just because its there and/or convenient. My younger sister will buy her junkfood and lay it down. And if I run out of my organic snacks and there is nothing but Cheeze-Itz staring at me in the cupboard, I make excuses and eat it. Enough of that. I don't have her metabolism. While she can wolf 6 hot dogs, fried chicken, pizza and mac and cheese along with processed food snacks in one day (no joke, sometimes her daily intake is more!) and not gain a POUND, I, however, pack on a pound for EVERYTHING. I have to do better. I came across a term someone had written online that I had never heard before. Junkfood vegetarian. My eyes popped open. I realized that this was me. Just because I don't eat meat doesn't mean I am healthy. And with my BMI and extra weight, this is obvious.

I don't do new years resolutions but I am promising myself that I will get back up on my water intake. I used to be so good but have slacked because I got into drinking juice again (ones with fructose corn syrup no less). Water is what really keeps my weight under control. I can eat as I normally do but as long as I drink water my weight seems to stay stagnant. That to me is better then gaining. To loose the rest of my weight I want to get rid of, I am going to try a series of more master cleanses (yeah, I know) in 10 day intervals. I didn't know this could be done, but I saw it mentioned on the master cleanse forum that sometimes people do a 40 day cleanse this way by breaking it up into segments. I may have to do this. I can't diet and exercise. I am not consistent and rely too much on having a buddy system to be motivated to do anything. But I will try to incorporate some type of physical activity daily that can help get me fit. Even if its taking a walk around my block after dinner. I have to stop eating late and eating junk food (even if it's natural. (ex. natural organic ice cream and pizza is still ice cream and pizza). I also need to retrain my body not to crave so many calories. Get more in tune with my body's feeling of fullness. Start taking supplements and herbs for constant cleansing.

I can go on and on, but right now it's 4:34AM and I need to pass out. This insomnia is another thing. With my other cleanses I couldn't wait to hit the sack and would pass out before 10pm! Now I am up, in pain, hungry with a throat that feels its on fire, still with another 6 or so days to go. I HATE this cleanse cycle. This is torture, but it is necessary. I can only learn the hard way.

A Day In The Life Of Daddie

2009-12-23T19:13:00.004-05:00

Just a regular ole' day having a snapping turtle in your house.... Just regular ole things you see. Nothing special.....

(Warning: Not for the faint of heart, or weak stomachted)

Like the half remains of a mouse.....

Being devoured........ And ripped....I see intestines.....

And a proud face......

Is mister mouse praying? He knows he's next I suppose.....

So is he.....

THE END

Shopping Fever

2009-12-21T02:30:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged because I have been too busy shopping... Online and in-store shopping. I have to share all the deals I have been snagging up. The deals have been so good it's almost sheer robbery.

Proper post coming soon when I organize it together.

Live Music = LOVE. Live TYCHO Show In NYC

2009-12-14T03:48:00.004-05:00

I just came home from the best night (well early AM) EVER.

But I need to pass out, so I will update later.

I am still swirling....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's 6pm and I am still over the moon. I went to my 1st ever live show last night and there was no better time to experience my 1st ever live music show then going to see my favorite artist ever, TYCHO.

When he updated his blog and said he was going to be playing in NYC my heart did a flip flop. The genius behind the music I live and breathe was going to be in my neck of the woods, and I made it a point to definitely not pass on such an opportunity.

I must tell you after my experience, if you have never experienced live music, you don't know what kind of outer body experience you are missing out on.

The music is ALIVE. I crowded around the stage standing patiently through some sets I didn't come to see (they changed the set up and had Tycho slated as the LAST set, grr!) and the music vibrated through my body. From the souls of my feet the bass and the booms and the chords wafting in the air literally were so loud and intoxicating, I had to step outside of the room and sit down a few times. I was getting lightheaded, because my body was vibrating, and I could tell the base and the drums were giving me an irregular heartbeat.

(the stage)

I had arrived at Le Poisson Rouge at exactly 10:30pm ready for Tychos performance and he didn't go on until nearly 3AM. But he was WELL WORTH THE WAIT. I cant explain to you what its like to hear your favourite songs live, and watch the artist behind their composition, perform it for you. I kept staring at him walking around the venue for a while. I had never met Scott before but I knew it was him. I was just too chicken shit to approach him. I didn't expect him to look so dreamy. He is gorgeous!

Nearly 4 hours waiting in venue that was as hot as a summer afternoon, paid itself off in a 45 minute set with Tycho streaming live almost all of my favorite songs. While I was on my way there I was listening to them on MP3 and I've come to realize after experiencing music in person, there is no amount of recording quality that can do music justice. Every chord and sampled beat vibrated through me and I swooned and moved and closed my eyes nearly wanting to cry and scream and fall asleep all at the same time. What was even more of a better experience for me, was being surrounded by people who were all into the music and artist as much as I was! I had never been lucky enough to find anyone who enjoys the same music I do, and no one I know has heard of Tycho, and think the music is 'weird'. It was so uplifting to see people sway back and forth, close their eyes and shout and hoot after each number faded off. When he was all done, people shouted his name and said 'Don't Stop!'. I laughed. I didn't want it to end either. The energy was intense. I had only wish he had played 'Send & Receive' (the 1st song that plays on my music player to the right). I so wanted to hear that live (even shouted it out as a request LOL). Thats the song that made me fall in love with him.

(setting up)

(intro and starting!)

(really getting into it)

I knew I wouldn't forgive myself if I didn't seize the opportunity to greet and talk to him while he was in the same room I was in (which was unreal enough). I shook his hand and told him I was his number one fan. I grabbed what scrap of paper I had in my bag for him to autograph it (which happened to be a GAP receipt! LOL), which he seemed taken aback that I asked, but obliged none the less. I am still swooning. It will be properly framed along with his artwork.

(Said autograph & my arm band I am NEVER taking off)

I have lots of shaky video footage (I was bouncing to the beat!) that I will upload when I get the time to put all the files together. For now, just the photographs. You can also see my crappy photography skills in dark rooms.

http://tychomusic.com/index-old.html
http://blog.iso50.com/category/tycho/

Herpes & Sephora

2009-12-11T00:55:00.005-05:00

I always had known something was wonky and creepy about the tester products in Sephora. Certain testers often are a different colour and consistency as opposed to their fresh and sealed counterparts due to being prodded, molested and exposed to air for such a long period of time. What always bugged my brain was how sanitary (if at all!) did the store keep these tester products and how much time had to pass by before they were replaced? Because of the type of high end brands and overpriced mark ups the store seems to be known for, I figured it would be safe to assume Sephora took pride & care in the tester products on display for sampling and viewing, and sanitized and replaced them regularly. Either way I was still very skeptical of what I tested and kept everything on the back of my hand and never to my face.

Of course after what I saw this evening I will not be sampling ANYTHING from ANY TESTER EVER AGAIN. *shivers at the thought*

So I was in my local Sephora tonight (Columbus Circle) wondering around looking at some gift sets I wanted to snag. As I wondered around looking for a sales associate to let me know what in store promotions were going on for the night, a older woman with a beat up wig and over sized male clothes (she looked homeless) walked around the corner where I was standing to the vanity station that is posted there. What caught my attention out the corner of my eye was her wig, which was huge, snarly, dirty and full of lint being held down by a dirty green hat. Of course this detailed description of her attire and appearance is only remembered and relevant due to the fact on WHY I started staring at her based on WHAT she had been doing.

I glanced at her as she generously started applying make up but did a double take when I realized it was a TESTER lip gloss she was GENEROUSLY (and sloppily) applying directly to her horridly peeling and dry flaky lips. I looked on in horror and she put the testers back and then grabbed some more and used them directly on her face. Apparently she seemed to only come into the store to put on a full face of make up to her liking and then leave. She completely ignored the disposable lip brushes, face spongers and mascara wands neatly displayed in bins beneath the mirror she was using. My stomach instantly grew queasy when I got a whiff of the high urine odor that I realized was wafting from her. It just made the whole situation cause me to be vex! I was really angry that she was so inconsiderate; not only for her own health and safety (which was apparent she didnt care about) but the next unknowing person who was going to take up the very lip gloss and swipe their finger or tester brush right on it and apply it right onto THEIR mouth. Finally the sales associate came to assist and I walked away wondering if I was over reacting or if I should have said something.

The thing about it is, I'm sure she isnt the only one who is guilty of doing such an horrid thing. Some people are just gross and nasty and dont care about their germs being spread onto a next person. Like the people that pick thier nose and flick the booger into the air... around other people.... and thier food. Or the women in public restrooms that walk out of a bathroom stall shamelessly leaving an entire toilet bowl full of their drippings and tampon for you to walk into, putting the icing on the cake by walking out not washing their hands. It's just that really outright inconsiderate and thoughtless people IRK me and make me wonder about the state of humanity sometimes. And this woman's obvious hygienic condition (or lack thereof) just made the whole thing really get under my skin.

Maybe I am over reacting. All I know is after tonight, if I didnt think so before, I know for SURE testers are just petri dishes BREEDING with all sorts of mutant germs. I'll stay away, thanks.

Oh Jeebus

2009-12-07T03:15:00.003-05:00

It is currently 3:14 AM and I am wide awake and far from sleep. What I thought could get no worse, has not just hit the EPIC status.

The whole right side of my face is swelling by the second seemingly only to reach a point of a ghastly explosion. The pain is unreal. It's like a bass boost sound system with extra base is going off in my gumline. At this point I can barely open my mouth fully. My jaw feels like its going to break off.

Wisdom tooth pain SUCKS!

And what makes it worse, this new demon inflicted tooth is bearing down right above an already sore semi-impacted wisdom tooth that refuses to finish tearing the last of the gum tissue off to properly pronounce itself as a tooth. Instead, for the past several months it has decided to leave that annoying flap of tissue right over itself which is a neat little pocket for food to painfully get crammed under. As if to mock me.

Ok, my ranting is done. I must find a way to sleep through this pain and not go mad from the painfully numb like throbbing going on in the upper right hand corner of my mouth.

HELP. ME.

Lush Cosmetics Smells Real Good

2009-11-29T21:00:00.007-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a while. My thanksgiving holiday wasn't a most enjoyable one thanks to my rags wanting to come down that day. I ate dinner alone in my room after 9pm, curled up in my blanket watching youtube videos. At least the carrot cake I baked came out better then my last one. Moist and perfect. Couldn't get to take a photo because it was nearly devoured as soon as it was frosted. Which is the best compliment for an armature baker.

Last night I stumbled upon a blog that was linked from another blog that happened to pique my interest. There was a post on some Lush products and I discovered that they made deodorant; a coconut powdered one to be exact and I decided I MUST try it. One thing lead to another and soon I was on the Lush website scoping products and trying to get to know the brand a bit more. I soon realized thanks to the nifty 'store locater' link, that there is a store I can head to in no time flat and I figured, why not go and experience the textures and smells first hand? Off I went to the Lush Cosmetics store on 34st and Broadway.

The first thing the smacks you when you walk into the store is the smells; all of the different fragrances blended into perfect harmony to create one unison smell that says 'Welcome! Come in and buy stuff!'. I started to help myself right away picking up items that caught my eye on the website and groped and sniffed my way along into the store until finally a very friendly sales associate offered her assistance. I told her what she wanted to hear; that it was my FIRST TIME trying the brand but had heard lots of stuff about it for a while and was interested in a few things to try. Of course her eyes lit up like fireworks and she instantly goes into a frenzy grabbing bobs and bits and having me smell almost everything that she claimed were her personal favs. I got to smell the popular 'Honey I Washed The Kids' and 'Rock Star' all of which smell great enough to understand why there are so many positive reviews on those soaps. I, along with her, partially loose my mind and ask her to cut me a chunk of everything I liked (which was 98% of what she had me smell that she recommended) nearly forgetting the coconut deodorant I mainly came there for. I nearly passed out when she told me my total was over $50! I realized that I had bought $50 worth of soap I probably would hardly use (I have enough bars of soap from Whole Foods to last me till spring) all based on how yummy they smelled. She of course clapped her hands with a big grin on her face letting me know I had hit the $50 mark and was now entitled to a free full sized 'Snow Fairy' shower gel which does smell absolutely divine and did take the sting out of my over budget purchase.

So here are my goodies:

Soap: Honey I Washed The Kids, Rock Star, Sultana Of Soap, Sexy Peel
Bomb Thingies: Butterball (in the shape of a snowman for the holiday) and Candy Cane Bubble Bar.
Deoderant: Coconut Powder
Freebie: Snow Fairy Shower Gel & sample of You've Been Mangoed Bath Melt

I must say after I left the store and continued my shopping in the area, a smell lingered around me that I couldn't place my finger on. Every turn I made I got a whiff of this wonderful sweet yet mellow fragrance like I was wearing it as perfume. It was only until the train ride home that I realized it was one of my Lush goodies that smelled so bold and was overpowering all the others. That is the candy cane bubble bar bomb thingy and it is by far my favourite scent out of them all right now. Even my finger tips are strongly scented with it just taking it out of the yellow paper, frangrancing my entire laptop. The scent is very strong; obviously in the air yet pleasant and non stiffling. Even those with fragrance sensitivities may find this pleasant & tolerable.

In a nut shell, the Lush store will make you break the bank! Be prepared to spend more then what you bargained for especially if you are a weak store patron like myself. It will also probably have you spending more time in the bathroom then your house mates may appreciate.

If you'll excuse me, I am off to take a bubble bath. That I HARDLY EVER take.

Update: Duh! Who wants to see soap all wrapped up? Here's what they look like RAW.

Clockwise from left: Sultana Of Soap, Rock Star, Honey I Washed The Kids, Sexy Peel.

WOOOOOT!!

2009-11-12T22:14:00.002-05:00

I just realized, Submachine 6 is finally out. I haven't checked in a while.

Off to go fry my brain.

Good Karma

2009-11-12T02:01:00.004-05:00

3 weeks ago to this date I lost my wallet in the west village while spending a night out with my best friend. Last week Friday I got a surprise package in my mailbox, it being my wallet. Although it was sans money, all of my other personals were in tact and nothing else was missing. My bank cards had not been used (I faithfully did not cancel them and had been checking my accounts every few days) and my social security card and NY State Drivers ID were still in the slots I left them in. I had faith and prayed for 3 weeks for it to be returned because I knew that God did not want me to go through the headache of getting a new SS card and trying to replace the last copy of my ID that I had. I dreaded the thought.
According to the receipts still in my purse, I did not leave it in the last store I visited which suggest that I was pick pocketed. Which was the only conclusion I came up with that made sense when I realized it was gone in the 1st place, 3 days later. Being the highly responsible person I am (I always do the 3 check thing when I leave anywhere; wallet, phone, keys), leaving it in the restaurant we ate in or the sex shops we browsed through didn't settle well with me. It also makes sense that the only other time I have missed my wallet was when it was taken right out of my bag 3 years ago in Harlem. In any case I have my purse back and I am really glad that I passed my test of faith and that there are still good people in the world to return a kind deed. So to the person that found and mailed me my wallet; who left no return address or note in the parcel, a big THANK YOU to you, whoever you are.

Thinking about and relating this story really changed the mood of this post. I was feeling pretty depressed and was going to vent about how I really wish the tables would turn in my life and how I wish I could find someone who can care about me as much as I do others. I was starting to feel drained and used, like an involuntary sugar momma. Like people are just sucking me dry because I am too nice and go out of my way for my friends and family. But I must be perseverant because when you least expect it, a little act of kindness comes along your way and you'd be so blindsided by negativity that not only may you not notice it, but you'd be completely ungrateful of it. You may even get a sense of entitle ship that you DESERVE it. Whatever the case never take for granted little acts of kindness. If it wasn't for one, I would be wallet-less up to now.

How Rude

2009-11-08T22:54:00.008-05:00

I know. I have been extremely lazy to the point of utter rudeness. Couldn't even update the bloody blog to note that I am safely back in NY? Horrid. The truth is I am been very absorbed with stuff and thinking about blogging has been a PAIN. I just don't feel like doing it. It feels just like homework. You know you should do it but you really don't want to. Due to my ADD and laziness, I will try and summarize everything in bulletins in no precise order:

My cousin who I was spending time with in FL arrived in NY a few days after my little brother and I did. He is here to make more money doing the same technical support job he was doing back in his home state, possible for the same company. The only bonus being the NYC higher pay rate. This will also be his first time he sees snow. So excited for him and want it to snow already.
Daddie had her 1st mouse a few days ago. It was hilarious. You could tell she knew it was food, but she was completely intimated by it. She'd hold it by its neck and drown it, then let it go and run away from its floating body in the tank. Then a half an hour later, after she was sure its dead, she would swallow it whole.

LMAO!

I've come to realize that no matter how bad of acrophobia I may have, there is no greater peace then being 60,000+ ft up in the air for a moment in time.

My flight buddy, Bear

I know I need to update on my use of the 'Take A Whiff' deodorant. That is coming up next very soon.
Can someone please tell me why I bought a $16 spoon at Williams Sonoma? Anybody?
Oh I had and interesting this happen to me before I left to go to FL that is still evolving. Where it goes and how it ends (inevitably) should be interesting. I'll get my thoughts together and make a post. And yes it involves a gentleman.
I got offered a job at Aveda last week. I'm really hoping I get it, just for the employee discount! Plus the holidays are coming up and I could totally use the extra cash.
I know my excursions in FL for the month+ I was down there has yet to be shared. I will make a post with promised photos of the FUN that was had. These are just some teasers :-)

Daddie: Year 2

2009-10-06T18:49:00.007-04:00

Happy Birthday Stinkies! My little snapping brat has turned 2 today (well its exactly two years since we've had her). I never thought she would be in our home for two years, and that I would grow so attached to her little bratty self. I'm missing her right now so bad, but Sis. Lynn has treated her to some birthday fish on behalf of her special day and she has been chowing them down.

Oh yeah, todays my cousins 21st birthday as well ha ha. He is off in the room passed out right now. Can you guess why? :-)

Yesterday was the best day ever, but I'll blog about that later.

Just wanted my stinkums to have her moment.

Mini timeline:

The Monsta today....

:-)

LOLZ...... Not

2009-09-23T18:47:00.006-04:00

I was eating some gummy bears last night and noticed one had a tail. I thought it was cute.

Moving on to other things.

Currently blogging from a hotel room in Orlando. I am on some stretch of road called 'International Drive'. My cousin wanted a hotel here because apparently this strip is a big deal. But with all the drama going on with family and the reason why I slipped away to FL in the first place, I am not really in the mood for any kind of fun. I just want to lock up in the room with the AC on blast. Reminds me of NY.

I have extended my stay here in FL for another 2-3 weeks maybe. I will probably be in Tallahassee by the weekend. Another town, more longed to see faces, more adventures. I am looking forward to better food though. The unforeseen hotel expenses bit into our budget and we have been living on grease and cheese. There is no question of whether I will be doing a colonix or not as soon as I get back home. Maybe a master cleanse for good measure.

On a side note: My Canon has finally done me justice since I have been here. I have never taken such vivid and perfect photos in my life. Woot woot! More to come.

Hello Palm Tree

2009-09-14T12:35:00.005-04:00

I have safely arrived in Orlando FL. What excursions and fun await I have no inclination of. Right now I am just content with after a good nights rest, the pressure from my head has alleviated. When we arrived in FL we started descending so fast that the 'dropping' sensation made me so queasy and my head light. I am talking like 10,000 ft every 30 seconds or less (from what I could have seen on my screen). It is not a good feeling at all, especially for someone like me with acrophobia.

When my cousin and aunt came to the airport I was in another dimension. Amidst my hunger and light-headedness, I smiled as I looked out the window on the drive home. Amidst the blackness I could see the change of scenery I needed some much. No tall buildings and bright lights, Just flat outstretched space. I felt relaxed.

Before I left NYC a great thing happened. I got my 'Take A Whiff' deoderant in the mail! Yay. I am already wearing it and so far so good. It goes on great; nice and smooth. Being in FL is a great way to test this baby out as it is brisk and chill in NYC right now. We'll see how it stacks up to the year round summer weather down here. But so far so good. And the orange creamsicle scent is bang on (surprised it is naturally fragranced) which makes me want to eat it.

It's nice to see palm trees up close again. Operation de-stress begin.....

A Graveyard Of Failure

2009-09-08T19:59:00.003-04:00

That what a call this photograph:

Making the choice to use alternative products and nixing the tried and true favoirute conventional products can be as easy or difficult depending on what drove you to make the change in the first place. For me, it was neutral. As with all my 'journey to natural alternatives' posts note; it was a transition that I took one step at a time.

Now, over 2 years later, I would consider my new lifestyle to come naturally (pun intended). I enjoy finding and trying new products for my skin and hair and have become pretty ingredient savvy when scanning labels. I wouldn't consider my transition 100% (just last month I finnally got around to purchasing a natural eye liner from Whole Body), but it's at a comfortable level where whatever I use I am concious it and feel good using it.

Not so with deoderants.

Deoderants were one of the 1st products I completely switched over to natural when I became 'aware'. If I recall corrently; my discovery on the link between antiperspirants and cancer is what spawned my whole research of natural products in the 1st place.

Up till then, Dove was my ultimate fav and when I tossed my stick (I didn't even waste time usuing it up like I did with most of my other chemicle laden products), I was really sad but hopeful that I would find a natural deoderant that felt just as good as Dove if not better. I was young and stupid.

It has been an epic FAIL.

Of course I know that it is natural to sweat and to inhibit that sweat with chemicles is asking for problems. So I am not on a quest for a natural deoderant that is going to leave me bone dry like an antiperspirant would. But is a little bit of wetness and at least 85% odor protection too much to ask? I have since been on a quest to find the mother of all natural deoderants that actually WORK for me.

With wetness being my primary issue, and then funk, the 1st deoderant I went out and purchased was a regular stick of :

Toms of Maine. This was crap on me. It feels slick and slimy when I put it on which seems to make more of a wetness party under my arms within an hour on a really hot day. After about a month I got tierd of the gross feeling under my arms after applying it that I gave....

J/A/S/O/N a try. I LOVE Lavender, and it was very pleasent to put on, but once again did nothing for me as far as wetness and funk. The strong lavender scent would taper off after a while. this woudl work for about 3-4 hours on me max. In between the Toms of Maine and the J/A/S/O/N I discovered

Arm & Hammer. For a moment the heavens opened and I thought I finally found the one! Combined with a dust of talc free baby powder, I was fresh and funk free for a few hours. Once the wetness became out of control I could apply more powder (which was my routine with all of the deoderants I tried) but eventually the funkwould win. This deoderant would work about 4-5 hours TOPS on me (funk wise) which I thought was a sucess and settled into its use for about a yr. I just hated the way it would burn the crap out of me after a shave.

Earlier ths syear I discovered the Addidas cotton tech and after reviewing its specs, it sounded promising and I shelled out some good bucks for 3 sticks. I loved it for a while. Its the first natural deoderant that kept me somewhat dry (aka not as wet as usual) and seemed to keep funk away with occasional sniff tests. But the baby powder scent and my funk seem to be soul mates and mingle together making a putrid mixed scent. It also stained my clothes and burned when I applied it after a shave.

I have all but given up at this point. Since last month I have been using a MEN deoderant: Speed Stick. Yup. And I don't care. It's high maculine scent camaflogues mine and I am able to stay funk free mostly all day. Althought it is alluminum free, it isn't natural and I have had my eye on a deorderant I read some reviews on and decided to bookmark.

In comes Pristine Beauty Take A Whiff:

This deodorant makes a lot of promises of keeping you funk free and controlling wetness. Just like all the other natural deodorants *rolls eyes*. So what makes this one so special? Aside from the $22 price tag, the reviews are top notch. It's been rated a 9.5 out of 10 on a few sites. Impressive.

So this it! You know I must be really desperate to cough up $22 bucks on a deodorant. I can only hope with the $$ spent that I can have a positive review on it. I just placed an order from Bestinbeauty.com and will look out for it in the mail.

I will update when I recieve it *crosses fingers*

Fall Cleaning...

2009-09-03T16:59:00.004-04:00

It's not so hot in the city anymore (thankfully). Actually it's been rather chilly. The quick and sudden shift in temperature is rather eerie, yet appreciated. I can finally relish in my favourite season: Fall.

Nothing spectacular has been going on around here lately. What started as a redecorating project for my own room has now spread out through out the entire home. I feel really nifty and butch walking around with my trowel and spakle; filling in holes and cracks in the walls to prepare for painting. I bought a small tin of paint to test out in a shade called 'heavenly blue'. It's a true blue colour,;very faint and light, with a slight tinge of gray that complements my new colour scheme for my bedroom. I just need to settle on the right shade of chocolate brown for the doors and baseboards. Too dark will look stark against the blue... too light a brown would defeat the whole purpose.

Sis Lynn (thats what I call my mother) and I went to Bed Bath & Beyond (one of my favoroutie spots) and purchased a new dining table. Since the way our pat is set up, having a reserved area in the living room for dining, we figured it would be best to downgrade to a 3 piece pub set. where it lacks for girth and length, it makes up for with an appealing height. We decided on the 3 piece set below and made a purchase in store on the 15th of this month.

It turned out to be an epic FAIL. Not the table itself, but the whole ring around we had to do to get it proper in the 1st place. The table came 7 days later, with only 3 legs. After calling and requesting the missing piece, it took another 8 days to receive the 4th leg. Upon FINALLY setting up the 3 legged table that has been sitting in the house for a week, we realize the replacement leg set was off my an inch. Completely frustrated we disassembled it, packed the car and dropped it off to the store the same evening. But Bed Bath & Beyond customer service is superb from my experience with them and I knew everything was going to work out. Not only did they refund us all our money, but they gave us an extra $30 on to of that (I guess for our trouble). Along with the table, we had brought in the Shark steam mop that we purchased from them in May that stopped producing steam, and we were able to brand new replacement for it, and it was the deluxe model. Sis Lynn was impressed and happily went about shopping after we were done with our returns. We intend to go back this evening for some other misc items needed in the house.

Aside from our simple efforts in home 're-monstrating' (betcah don't know where I got that word from :-D), I need to get away from this place for a while and go see my family in FL. So I have booked a flight to be out in about a week and am taking my lil brother with me to Miami and Orlando because being homeschooled, I'm sure he can use some change of scenery too.

I guess my next post may be from FL.

A Bit Of Nostalgia

2009-08-17T16:42:00.002-04:00

And yet so on point with how I'm feeling right now.

I remember loving this clip from old school Sesame Street, and going out and playing in open hydrants and sprinklers in the neighborhood as a kid. Good times. Unfortunately you don't see this much at all because it's a safety hazard now.

Country Comes To Town

2009-08-05T09:48:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning to find this 'little' critter right next to me on my bed.

Apparently, last night, in my drunken stupor of exhaustion, we got married and enjoyed a honeymoon. Seemed everything went successful according to spiders way of things as he was dead when I found him. :-)

I'm not going to lie, a volt of electricity shocked me somewhere inside when I laid eyes on him. But I calmly zoomed in to scrutinize if what I was seeing was real. I was bewildered on how he got here in the 1st place; not my bed but NYC period. Seeing such type of spider, in all my life being in the city, is a rarity at least from my perspective. Roaches, yes. Mice/Rats, Pigeons and other vermin in the New York? Yup. So I chalked it up to one of two things. Either A: I purchased some clothes from Old Navy yesterday and placed them right on my pillow next to me when I got in. Maybe he was lounging around in the rack I pulled it from because when I moved the clothes and my bath towel, that's when I found him. Or B: Our house guests from Trinidad who arrived last night brought him along. I took him on a piece of tape to them as a joke and they said they do have spiders like that on the island. If option B is probable, I just dont know how he got on my bed.

In either case I am just so grateful and proud that I am not 'citified' to the extent that I couldn't tell wether he was poisionos or not. His body was not guitar shaped so he seemed to be harmless and not the dreaded recluse spider. But his claws around his mouth were VERY visible and I figured he would have packed a nasty bite; hot enough to wake me if he did.

In any case, I hoped my friend enjoyed his one night of passion. too bad he couldnt live to tell it, but thats the way it is with spiders. After you mate, you croak.

RIP :-)

FAIL

2009-07-26T12:40:00.005-04:00

I have failed as a blogger. I know. It's a good thing I never claimed to be one.

Like I said in a previous post, I have just moved on to other interests. This blog was a personal diary for venting and releasing my daily frustrations and muses. I realized that it was a great stress reliever; sharing with the Internets what on your mind and whether there were people who read it or not. It was never a popularity contest as most people who do this, make it to be. It was merely a self therapy.

But I have found that RETAIL THERAPY is soooooo under rated. I know; I'm late on this.

These pasts months I have been shopping. Granted, my budget has it's limits, and my escapades are spend in your basic run of the mill stores. But I am so over online shopping. There is something more gratifying to be up close with what you are buying, and walk away with it the same day. I still online shop, but I make a habit of going out more to pick up more basic things.

Getting out and treating myself is a first for me. I have been eating out and enjoying company either of myself or with a friend or my little sister. I have my homeslice from Ocala FL supposedly coming up in few months to come chill with me over the holidays. I'm so stoked about it. She is coming up here to shop her pants off, and that's just what I need. Getting the right shopping buddy is superb because I hate whiners. I can stay in a store and mull around for a while and the last thing I need is 'I'm hungry... my feet hurt... I gotta pee.... let's go home, I'm tired', breaking my concentration and cramping my style.

I have also been baking. I baked another mean chocolate cake this Friday and it came out better then my 1st! It's just a bit more dense, slightly like a brownie so I know to put more egg replacer next time. And yes it's 100% vegan as everything I bake. Everyone is greedy here, so they dont complain that it's a bit dense, and not as fluffy and I wanted it to. It's already over half gone.

As far as the stuff I have been shopping for... nothing your typical 22 year old should have interest in. It's been mainly house stuff. I do need to go get some new clothes though, but I'm the type to be in Bed Bath & Beyond looking at glassware and baking dishes, and sniffing wall flowers for the bathrooms and kitchen in Bath & Body Works. Speaking of which, I am running low on those....

I should mention that my trusty Dell Inspiron cracked out on me yet again, which explains why I was MIA for a while as well (see? better excuse). The back light went out and using an external monitor failed at every attempt. Backlights are pretty cheap but installing it as per these instructions would be an epic fail for me even with the step by step pictures. So I did the best thing I could do, and that was stop procrastinating the upgrade. So I am now sporting this thing a muh bob here.

Not crazy about the colour, but I settled because I needed on ASAP. I am just grateful that it is running XP instead of Vista, which was the only thing that held me back from upgrading (as well as lacking $1,000 throw away cash). As far as the specs, 3GB RAM, 250GB hardrive, backlit keyboard, blah blah. WAY better then then the 40 GB 2004 Inspirion 8600 I was working with before.

I want to keep this channel open though. I don't think I'll ever reach a place where I will close this blog (in spite of everything that has taken place this year). I will get to posing something. I just don't know when. And since, no one reads this page, I have no pressure :-)

Yawn

2009-06-25T01:48:00.005-04:00

Bleh. I have seriously lost all of my blogging mojo these past several weeks. But there is a valid reason behind it all.

I have been distracted with other things. Things that seem to fill the void blogging sort of does.

It's like people who record and upload like 6 youtube videos a day, and then finds real friends or gets a job, and then their channel goes deserted for a while.... It's kinda like that.

Alot has been going on lately, some of it very good blogging material, but I always come to a few stumbling blocks. Like either I am too lazy to blog about it, can't form it into words, procrastinate it, or I get totally sidetracked by something else, and the suddenly that really cool or important post in my head totally worth posting is all of crap to me.

*I have had my equal share of real life drama unfold in a stream of 'revelations' these past couple of weeks also. A lot of emotional stuff. But I'm so hardcore I can't even shed tears anymore about crap that happens to me. I've also had to be a dose of tough love to 2 female acquaintances of mine who are sharing similar issues to what I have experienced. Suddenly I am a guru and have been spewing out this awesome advice because I had crap done to me too. It's true what they say: Experience is the best teacher.

*I have been busying myself with shipping stuff randomly to people. Not just eBaying but also to family and friends. It's so fun to pack a box with goodies and make someones day. My bedroom has become a storehouse of all kinds of stuff and USPS supplies. I find it sort of therapeutic sitting in my floor, wrapping up items, packing them neatly, and taping the labels on.

*I plan to attend the youtube 789 gathering. I think it will be fun, and another good distraction for me. I have never attended a youtube function before, but there are people coming from all over the US to attend, and are busting their bums getting plane tickets and hotel rooms in time. I can be at Central Park in minimum of 15 minutes (driving) from my house. I really have no excuse. I also really excited to want to meet like 6 people.

*I have been shopping way too much lately which has it's pros and cons. Since skin, body and hair care items have become a serious passion of late for me, and I have been blessed with access to goodies and $$ to try so many different things (add in youtube review videos), I feel the need to note and post my own reviews of stuff I am trying and staples of mine so far. But I never do, because I don't want it to become 'that kinda blog'. But oh well, maybe it wont be such a bad thing to blend in two things I am currently enjoying and see how it pans out. Besides, samples and reviews are always what sells me on a product before I buy it. 95% of what I purchase and now love where discovered from someone who recommended and reviewed it. I think I'll post a few reviews for my own personal record. It's a good thing to do because I looked back on some old posts I made about products, and over half of which I don't use anymore. I need to seriously update those.

*Obligatory photo of Daddy:

I woke up this weekend to find that Daddie had once again, overturned her new house toy, this time discovering that it made a nice perch for her to sit atop; giving her extremely easy access to her occasional nose surface visits for air. Her notorious calm and 'I don't give a rats ass' disposition is what really threw me for a loop. I laughed so hard I cramped. Her expression just seems to say 'yeah I knocked it down and am sitting on it... and what heiffa's? This is my tank and I do's as I pleases'. She sat like that for about an hour, effortlessly lifting her nose up for breathers until she got bored and went to make trouble with the filter. She is officially a huge monster now to handle. Her claws rip rubber gloves to shreds when handling, and slice hard enough onto surface skin to draw blood. Taking her out of the tank is a huge chore because she will kick herself out of your grip with her back feet and the top of her head... which is nothing new since she was a baby, but is now successful because of her size. The goldfish are tanks mates and an occasional snack to her now, so the bulk meals are now raw fish & shrimp I get by the pound and have fillet and chopped at the seafood department at Whole Foods.
I really am in love with this little brat of a creature.

*I am learning violin. It's hard.

*I finally got my old haddrive over to Best Buy's Geek Squad last month and got all my data backed up onto a new external harddrive. It was such a pleasurable experience that I wonder why I procrastinated getting it done for 5 months. Now that I have all of my old data back, I have been sorting through files I forgot all about. It has been really fun (not!). I'm just glad they were recoverable.... but gah, I have been deleting so much stuff.

*Anyone who knows me on a personal level, should know that I am a die hard Wonderland fan, but MS really out did it with this game (especially for those like myself who have come from the very 1st game). It is Epic, but it has been kicking my butt big time. Last week after busting my chops getting the temple key, only to have it stolen, and then discovering some new vortex that zapped me into the 'Fire World' after the first level with the new lava heat element (new element, new rules. Qookie gets overheated now)... I just gave up on the game. My brain is frazzled. The puzzles are too hard and I'm resulting to the youtube walkthroughs too quickly. Bleh.....

Well talk about an update... That sums most of it up... for now

Late But Right On Time

2009-05-10T23:51:00.005-04:00

My little brother's girlfriend (haha) was over a few weeks ago and started telling us how the families scheduled move has now been bumped up due to a registered sex offender living across the street from them. She said that her mum went online and was able to find out this information. I was intrigued. I had always heard of being able to seek this info up easy, but I had no idea where the exact source to look was.

Me: "Dari are your serious? How do you know this person is a rapist?"
Dari: "Yes, mommy went on the computer and I saw him. He's ugly. *giggles*"
Me: "How did your mum find out, what did she use to look it up?"
Dari & Lillian: " You never heard of Watch Dog before?"

At the speed of light I went off looking and finally I found the exact website and frantically filled in my address information and hit submit. Expecting the worse I closed my eyes and slowly cracked them open as almost instantly my area on the map sprung up with a flood of tiny colourful boxes representing offenders of all sorts. Everyone in the house starts smothering around my laptop and for once, my OCD claustrophobic 'don't breathe my air!' self didn't mind as the results I was sure I didn't want to discover alone.

And there is was. 2 people popped up within a half a block radius from me, both sexual offenders of children. I wasn't prepared to recognize a face. We all didn't. It went something like this.

"WHAT THE BUMBAAAAAAA????" *Lots of running across the room, dramatically, then running back to the computer screen, more island profanity then running back again*

I sat there motionless for a while with my mouth agape. Granted it could be worse, like a family member or a close friend, but none the less this is someone who is running a business (a restaurant!) in our area who I patroned very frequently and would have random conversation with. This person seemed very nice and pleasant and it was just nothing short of a shock for me to see their mugshot front and center like that. I felt even more sick inside when I read the conviction [1st degree attempted rape. Victim: Age 7 :-(...].

The thing is I'm torn. The offense was committed over 10 years ago, but I can't get past that it happened. Maybe if it was a different type of offense I might be able to look past, but it was against a helpless child. It's just something about a person who would attack a child sexual that doesn't settle well with me that makes it still fresh whether it was 10, 20 or 50 years after the crime. The individual does seem to have been successful in putting it past him running a successful business and having loyal (I assume, unknowing?) customers. And because we were cordial as merchant to customer when I was completely oblivious, I feel like I shouldn't let this be a factor on whether I continue to support his business and have friendly conversation. It sucks because I feel like I'm judging him.

I can only pass this link along to those who were ignorant like me and recommend to research and know who your living amongst and giving business too.

It really is ALWAYS the one's you least expect.... :-(

Reinventing Music

2009-04-16T01:20:00.004-04:00

It's no secret I don't listen to or care for rap/hip hop music. Obviously not my genre' of taste. But this young man has confirmed something I have always suspected and sampled for myself. A lot of the songs that I hear that I think have an appealing sound/beat would be perfect as a classical piece. For example, Lil' Wayes 'Lollipop', always irked me because the song made a nice melody into trash. So I sampled the basic beat in my head and tried it out at what it might sound like edited a bit on a piano. I may request that his next cover be that song. I have no doubt he'd tear it up like he did this song!

Now please help me tear away from my PC. I can't stop hitting replay. It doesn't help that he is hella cute...

Oh, and he has made me serious on my violin expeditions. I'm going to get on my arse to learn, for real this time. It doesn't help that my Clarinet has been sitting in one corner of my room, gathering dust for a while.

22 Year Old Chest Ache

2009-03-31T21:00:00.003-04:00

I have always avoided posting a blog on this issue, as 22 years is a long time to have this kind of crap bottled up and then begin hashing it out. It’s exasperating just thinking about it, yet I know therapy begins with writing it out, which is why I created this blog. I can’t keep driving myself to distraction. I can’t keep making excuses, or allowing myself to be hurt by a situation that is completely out of my grasp to control.

The biggest hole in my entire being is centered around my father.

I wish it wasn’t, but it is. I wish there was a way to cut off those kinds of emotions that can only and always will be associated with family. But that would mean I wasn’t human. Suppress and forget is the way I self medicate; but I have since learned it just gives a temporary numbing effect, which when it tapers off, has severe side effects.

My father and I are estranged. This, in the beginning was his choice, and a few years ago, I myself seek to maintain it as such for various reasons. We have no relationship; never had and never will. He wishes I never existed and he has his own right to think that. He doesn’t deny his paternity to me though, surprisingly. During our last phone conversation he stated that ”I have very few regrets in life; very few… but your one of them…”. That was the statement I had always been waiting for. Something I had known within my heart of hearts from the time I was young enough to understand that maybe he had voluntarily disappeared out of my life. But after 22 years, to finally hear it out of his mouth had a bittersweet effect. I bristled after he said it, and was numb. No shock, but just stunned for a bit. Later that day when I called T-Mobile to shut off my phone for a while, I curled up in my bed and cried my eyes out all night till I grew sick. I realized that after all was said and done, I’d have rather he denied me as his daughter, then acknowledge the fact that he is my father, but wishes I was never born. That just makes it hurt more.

Oh the stories I could tell! It doesn’t just end or begin there. But this is just the first blog of probably many, and I must not emotionally excite myself. Once I go there, it takes several days to get me out of that funk. And it isn’t pretty. And I hate myself for it. I hate the fact that I feel the pain and it is so easy to get depressed and self deprecating during those moments. I hate the fact that while I am crying, I picture him at the very same moment watching television, or laughing at a joke, or hugging and talking to one of his daughters.

Yes, that’s the kicker. He has 4 other children. All girls. He doesn't have an issue with them. He’s raised them and been with them from birth till now. No problem being their father at all. If you ask him how many children he has he will more than likely say 4 girls.

So why the issue with me? Why not embrace his 1st born, his first girl, the child that proved him fertile? Why did he terminate the relationship with my mother upon discovering I was incubating inside? Why was he in and out of my life during my 1st 6 years, ultimately leaving me behind for good? What was the issue? What could have possibly transpired between my mother and him once I came into the picture? Why does he have no problem being a father and a dad (two different things, yes) to the four children he ran across the country to birth and raise along with their mother? What’s wrong with me?

Because I’m black.

The horror. He had a baby with a black woman. A W.I. black woman at that! How could that happen? How could he have allowed that to happen?

The best thing for a self hating racist bastard (because that is what he is) to do is to pretend it never happened. To run away and pretend it never happened. Have the [type] or children you intended to have, move all the way across to the other side of the US, and count me as one of ‘your regrets’.

I’m getting upset again. I am getting heated over what fueled this blog post. His mother; my grandmother. Taking his side, protecting him as always. Some family.

To be continued…

[Currently listening to Kanye West’s: Streetlights. The only song I like/listen from him]

Water, Where Art Thou?

2009-03-26T21:54:00.007-04:00

Whew, I think I am officially over this horrid bug. I am amazed and grateful that it didn't take any where near as long to get over compared to the last time I was sick. Here to fending off another relapse *clicks imaginary flute to screen*

In all reality, like I started to mention in my fever induced post, it's time for me to get serious again about my health. I have to stop using the justification of my feeble attempts at eating healthy and exercising will be short lived, as an excuse to continue being a slacker. It may be true, but every little boost of health that I give my body for a period of time, helps it greatly. and being that spring is here, as is always a symbol of renewal and freshness, I think with a fresh head I can start to implement so better habits into my day to day life.

The first thing is water. I must get down on my knees in front of my 5 gallon bottle of Kangen water (which has been sitting lonely at the edge of my bed) and pay penance for not taking advantage of it's goodness. That 5 gallon bottle should be a little less than a weeks supply of water, but yet several weeks I have been to lazy to even open it. Granted our Kangen water supply is met when it's needed, and my bottle in here has been emptied and filled with fresh water each time, but it's ridiculous how much I have been making it waste. Water for me last year used to be like 2nd air to me. I drank nothing but water to the point that if I drank juice, it had to me diluted with half water because everything tastes too sweet and concentrated. But once the winter breeze set in and the holidays rolled around, I lost a taste for it. No longer sweating like a pig I settled back into drinking things I usually wouldn't. 100% organic fruit juice or not; it isn't water. That's what bodies thrive on. At least mine does. And because I tossed away my water bottle payed for it this winter. Suffering 3 bad colds/flu's, dry skin and hair, and my face broke out for the 1st time in my life a couple of weeks ago. Small fine bumps traveling from my temples down on the tops of my checks that I have patiently been trying to rid away with microdermabrasion, Bentonite and Amla clay masks and moisturizing and toning twice a day. All because I slipped up pretty bad on my water. Yes water is that serious for me,Kangen water especially . Bodies thrive off of pH balanced water (most bottle water is acidic and let me not even get into tap water. If you are still drinking that shame, shame), and if that water is Alkaline and oxidized, you will really noticed improvements in your health like I did.

So baby steps for me. My 1st goal is to get my water intake up and start liking the taste again. I'm currently working at it now; just downed about 8 oz. There are some tricks I have to do to get myself to drink it, and I'll share them as tips for hopes they can help others with my problem.

Firstly, fill your bottle!

I am one to absently mindedly sip from my water bottle when it's filled. By the time I look it is empty. Grab your polycarbonate water bottles and fill them up, and walk with them everywhere. I have recommended having 2 bottles. One that holds the recommended daily intake of water (about 2 liters) and one that contains about half of that or less. This helps when you don't want to lug around the heavy 2L one during travels, and the other one is just a fool proof way to make sure you get your daily intake. When my big purple bottle is done I know I'm good. On a good day I refill my 2L twice. On an average day I fill the both of them up and in my 2L+.

Don't flavor it!

Some crazy people will recommended flavoring water to make it more pleasurable to get down. Common sense will tell you, once you put a packet of powered sugary dyed up substance into water, it isn't water anymore, it's juice, point blank. You can label it whatever you want and pretend that it is still water if you;d like but your BODY is going to register it as juice and process it as such. Isn't the whole purpose of drinking water to help flush out your system? Adding any kind of flavor enhancer or crystal light crap to your water is just giving your kidneys more work. Cut them some slack and drink your H₂O straight and buck nekked.

Cold or Room Temperature?

I'm on the fence with this one. I love cool water (not brain freeze cold), but I have also trained myself to drink it warm at room temperature without gagging. Most of my water is always straights from our bottles and never gets time to chill in the fridge so i have grown accustomed to it unchilled . But there are also claimed fitness benefits from drinking icy cold water. 10 calories are burned just from downing a cold 8 oz glass. This fact is even mentioned in the April print of Woman's Day magazine. Plus, aside from the health benefit in the warmer months nothing really beats a cool glass of water when your hot and sticky. But I have also equally heard that it isn't healthy for the body to consume cold beverages. Because the body has to work extra hard to bring down the temperature of the liquid while it goes down it can have ill effects. I have not researched either so I'll leave it to this. It's a personal preference. Nothing wrong with having a cool glass (nothing brain freezing cold!) from time to time, but don't let it be a dependency on whether you drink water or not. Learn to drink room temperature water if you don't like it.

Some other important factors are to make sure your bottles are grade 7 or better and made of a pure durable plastic/polycarbonate. Anything else will just be leaking chemicals into your water (never reuse those cheap plastic bottles water is usually sold in). Also find ways to pump up your water. It's understandable that not everyone has access to a premium water filtration unit like a Kangen machine or other water oxidizers/alkaliners so try finding special drops at your local health food store to spruce up your filtered water. Some also add beneficial minerals. If that isn't available, adding a bit of plain of lemon juice or a lemon wedge to a glass of water does a similar trick. Lemon is acidic but inside the body it becomes alkaline. Getting the true benefits of water all begins with pH.

(These are the exact bottles I have)

Hope this helps some one. Here to the beginning of a healthy spring and summer routine.

Cheers!

Feeling Sorry For Myself

2009-03-23T20:20:00.004-04:00

I think I mentioned before that I hate being sick. How I managed to get sick again after just getting over a cold a few weeks ago is baffling me.

Otay, not really. The way I have been treating my body lately, it's expected. Not enough Raw foods, completely stopped drinking water like I used to, too much sugar and processed foods, no supplements etc etc. Bleh! My immune system is not what it used to be. I can only hope I really get back on track this summer. Winter time I slack off really bad and seek comfort food and become really lazy. I usually get more health conscious in the summer; drinking water like crazy and eating less. I've realized recently that my quest for health and fitness is seasonal. Meh.

Back to my whining. Being sick sucks! I caught the bug full blown over the weekend. Totally nixed my usual weekend rendezvous to Brooklyn, acting a fool in Target. Once again I am stricken with inside fever (which is the WORST) loss of appetite (not a bad thing for me anyways), coughing & sneezing, sleeping with my mouth open (and waking up with tore up lips) while cuddling a box of tissues, and hacking and spitting up the 'little monsters'. Those green thick boogies that look like they come from the Sci-Fi network.
Last night all I could so was moan in bed. My fever was raging: every time I exhaled I could feel the heat from my insides singe my nostrils and mouth. My bones ached and I yelled every time I had to turn in bed, or much worse, get up and pee. I have gone through 3 boxes of Puffs and I have already emptied 2 trash bags full of nothing but boogery tissues. I feel like I need to disinfect the air in my room and wash my linens. I think I am due for another Master Cleanse (which I HATE doing), but enough is enough. I hate that my body is being invaded by critters I can't see (but I know look scary under a microscope). It's like I am receiving penance for all those years I went cold free (when I actually was taking care of my body and taking Echinacea pills every day). As of right now I am in my bed with the laptop on my...well, lap. I have been in bed like this since Saturday night. I am miserable and hungry. Currently listening to Tycho, trying to lift my mood and feel better.

I am never really one to get into fitness (because I am fat and lazy) and have spent money on a gym membership TWICE all of which I only went a handful of times (I will not spend more money again to find out I am not a gym person). I'm the one to usually laugh at all those infomercials (which I enjoy watching) of the new diet craze or workout system while overindulging on a snack. I know from experience and wisdom that most of that crap doesn't work and people are paid to say it does and photographs are obviously edited. But there is ONE new fad that caught my eye and I have my mind fixed to purchase it. Have I lost my mind? Not quite yet. But I feel there is no way I can't tone up and/or loose at least SOME weight with this thing just from the sheer fact that I will be only it every day, twice a day because it looks HELLA FUN.

I can't wait to get this. I can already see myself on this bad boy going "WHEEEEE!!!!" everyday. No joke.

Ok, I think my fever is coming down again. Time to go night night.

Daddie In The Spring

2009-03-17T19:36:00.005-04:00

Obligatory photographs of Daddy. Taken Last Week During A Stroll In The Living Room :-)

Isn't she puuuuurty??

Americas Next Top Model Allison. Oweally?

2009-03-11T20:25:00.010-04:00

This post is cleared up here.

A New Leaf

2009-03-09T22:44:00.006-04:00

Have you ever been so hurt to your core that you can't even bring yourself to cry?
I mean the type of pain that your heart, mind and body is so OVER that you can't even forge the waterworks when you know good and well your body wants nothing more at that moment then a good cry.

That's how I've been feeling lately, and the sheer realization took me by surprise.

I had my last good cry on my birthday last month (that I didn't blog about). It was again, one of the most miserable days in my life. I am convinced at this point, that God took me seriously when I cursed the day I was born. I ventured out into Brooklyn and then West 4th St in Manhattan all by myself in the middle of the blizzard going on that day to go have dinner by myself (not the plan). As I sat in the now empty restaurant I couldn't stop the tears from flowing as I talked to my best friend on my cell who is over 300 miles away and I wished was there with me. I decided to take my birthday dinner to go, because I felt so pathetic and realized just how much selfish people are in my life. I came home sometime after midnight, soaking wet with muddy Uggs. When I hit my pillow (I didn't even shower) I just cried. I wanted to die (again). I started spiraling down into a dark place. I haven't been able to cry since. Usually when I had a bad slew of emotional events (like these past few weeks ever since my birthday passed) I kneel down in the shower and let the hot water beat on my back and just let the tears flow. I now have this built up pressure in my head and tear ducts, but my body has some how forgotten how to release it. And it is frustrating not be able to cry it out like I want to, because, well, I can't. I think I have used up the tears allotted in ones lifetime.

I realize that I can only love me, and I can only be me. I need to stop finding validation of my life in the lives of others. I need to stop making my life's purpose about someone elses. There is a fine line between being of service to others and being a robot and taking peoples crap.

"Never Make Someone A Priority When You Are Only An Option To Them."

That's a quote I saw yesterday that stopped me in my tracks. I realized I have been making this mistake in my life since I was a pre-teen. I am 22 years old now and I have to take time and rebuke myself for the foolish choices I have made just to seem modest, caring, emotionless and robotic. As much as I can sit here and name names and cast the blame game (and be damned justified in doing it), in the end I can only blame myself. I am not a little girl. I shouldn't care about foolishness like that anymore. I am not in a popularity contest.

Today at the wee hours of the morning (12:30AM give or take), I got out of the shower, went to my own bathroom and looked in the mirror. For the past nearly two years I have been growing out my hair from chemical processing/straightening. My hair was to my hips over the holidays before I did my 1st chop to a blunt waist length. A few days ago I chopped again to about the length of my bra strap which left me with a fuzzy halo with straight ends because my natural/virgin hair is very curly and shrinky (think Rachel True or that boy from High School Music crap). Having long hair all of my life I never thought I would just take up the scissors and start chopping bits of my hair without a thought like I did this AM. But I did, and I love it. I am embracing the short crop of curls I am sporting and I feel really liberated and uninhibited. I actually felt pretty, even with it short and all. The curls frame my face and they way they clump and shrink up makes me smile. It new. It's different. It's a new leaf.

A transition of hair is a simple thing compared to a transition of the mind. I only hope that if I can have the patience to reach a point where I can numbly chop my hair and be content with my natural hair, I can be patient enough to transition to be a stronger person. One that can look beyond past pain and anguish. Lousy friends and insincere lovers. Those who wish to ravage my vulnerabilities and break down what matters most to me. And be able to continue to strive for whats supposed to matter most in life. My life.

And hopefully be able to cry in the shower again when I need to.....

I Want To Eat This Candle

2009-03-06T16:35:00.007-05:00

What woman doesn't love candles, right? I started getting into candles when I was about 15, as I discovered they make great decorating statements. I would scrounge out the dollar store for some really neat finds. My favorites were the gelatin looking ones, with colourful sand, flowers and marbles suspended in them. Now that I have matured, my taste in candles have as well. I only purchase candles that has a scent that I agree with. Predominately my $ goes to Yankee Candle co.

So getting to the point of this post, I just had to share this find, because this candle is so extraordinary, and I haven't seen, nor smelled a candle like it. I might be late on this scent or brand but this is the strongest urge I have had to eat a candle.

Holy batman, the scent is dead on. It smells like birthday cake. Fresh baked and iced birthday cake. The smell is so nostalgic of my birthday parties when I was a little girl. I purchased it for the kitchen, and I can't stop sniffing this candle. And the best part of all? It's soy wax based. Which is a plus because I'm sure we all know the whole paraffin candle thing, blah blah blah. Another bonus? I scored it for only $5.99 at Marshalls last night! Woot Woot!

Thought to take a photo of it before I dig holes into it with my finger and taste it.
Should a candle be this cruel and tempting?

Totally of topic but on the same thread of home fragrance and bargains... I totally scored at the Bath & Body Works in Brooklyn this weekend (the one in Atlantic Mall). They had wallflower warmers there for only $1.67 a piece! That's a major discount from the usual $6.50 they go for. I grabbed 3. It's my 1st time trying out the wallflowers (I had sworn off electrical home fragrance and started using diffusers and candles. I was curious if I'd see a difference in the electric bill, but I didn't), but all the reviews are true. They are better than any Glade or Febreeze crap. As soon as I plugged it in within 3 minutes my whole room smelled of Bartlett Pear (my favorite next to Cotton Blossom). I am in heaven. If you haven't tried out wallflowers before, or if you want a few more warmers for another room, go see if your wallflowers are ringing up for $1.67, because I have no idea how long that will be for. The refills are on sale 2 for $20.

'Scuse the unmade bed. On 2nd thoughts, don't exsuse it. I never make it. :-)

Scent is usually the 1st sense I stimulate to relax myself. It goes beyond touch and taste and visuals. A scent can take you far away or remind you of a specific moment/period in life. It can make you yearn for someone or crave something. It can sexually arouse; it can drift you off in sleep. I usually lean towards clean and comfort scents, like fresh laundry, baked goods and the scent just after it rains. So I guess I may obsessed, but as long as there are these kinds of bargains I can always get my fix. So if your like me, you need to get on these.

-Naamaste'

Go Suck Salt Ebay!

2009-03-02T20:54:00.005-05:00

I'm about to get into a long over due rant on eBay/Paypal, so if eBay floats your boat, rocks your world, and is your babies daddy, look away! I'm about to light into their tails.

Boo on eBay, BOO ON YOU! What cantankerousness has eBay been dishing out to the people that pretty much built it's foundation and is keeping it running! Firstly I must admit, eBay is like a best friend with benefits when your the buyer. It is usually my go to site for everything I look to get cheaper (which is like, everything). You name it, I have bought it on eBay. From corsets, to sheet sets, feminine products (my beloved Diva), shampoo and conditioner: I have become a bidding and buy it now novice. Case in point, I scored an entire magic bullet set (bonuses and all) for only $27 once. Sheer robbery. Sometimes the deals are so good you feel like a thief and want to add a lil' extra in the Paypal payment for feeling so bad. Bwahaha! As a Buyer, eBay rocks my world.

A while ago, when first opened my account, I used to list things regularly to sell and I soon discovered it was a great way to make some extra $$ (I know, I was late). Back then at the time, the total listing fee's weren't bad and the final value fee was just a little shaving off of the final auction price. It was tolerable. Lately, my funds have tightened and demand for more hair conditioners and toys have arisen so I figured I'd get back into the whole selling thing on eBay on a more regular basis to bring in some extra cash flow for those miscellaneous purchases I most likely end up purchasing on eBay anyway. Between the eBay income and ChaCha (which I hardly do anymore), I figured those earnings would just stay for online purchases. Being that I am impulsive buyer and have a lot of wants (see post 'Impulsive Shopper"), it would be good to have a special set of funds instead of taking a chunk out of $$ that is actually supposed to go towards bills and stuff. Sounds like a good plan, right?

Wow. So far we are at an estimated $10. Holy batman cupcakes, when did eBay become a wallet rapist? Overnight? Must be. I knew that eBay had made some pricing changes these past couple of months and going into the new year. They sent out a nice marshmallow puff e-mail talking about the price increases and how they have no choice to do it and it's to benefit the eBay community and blah blah blah. The 1st thing I noticed was the insertion fee. It is now apparently depended on how much the starting price of the auction is. The higher you list the starting bid, your insertion fee goes up. To add additional pictures in the eBay format is now 12¢ instead of 10¢ (but I am sure all the savvy sellers have gotten hip to just using photobucket). To list an auction now with a pretty border and a starting bid more then 99¢ ran me over $2, nearly $3. Whatever. My auction ends and I get another surprise. That little minuscule final value fee is now a very noticeable chunk of my final winning price. Nearly $7 bucks! Really eBay?So I finally get my paypal payment from the buyer and check my paypal balance and see it's less then what I expected. The last time I sold something, the paypal fee's for taking a payment were usually under a dollar. No matter the price it was always some chump change. I see another rape charge of a few cents shy from $5. For serious Paypal?! (for those who don't know, Paypal and eBay is the same company). In total they have raped me of $15 bucks effortlessly! Did I mention my the total price of the auction was only $150 bucks including shipping? 10% of my earnings are gone without them even trying!

I'm so sorry but that got me so mad! I sold another miscellaneous auction for $7.00 and they just took away 70¢ away without even asking. Your kidding me right? I'm just so vex with eBay/paypal, it isn't even funny. I know the economy is bad and things are tight for everyone, but dang eBay does it really have to be like that?
And to rub salt into the wound, they go and set a limit of things you can sell in a 30 day period. I went to put up another listing and it banned me from doing it. I requested a review on my account to get the limit removed and they said they are keeping it as it is to prevent their consumers from buying counterfeit (99% of the stuff I have to sell are authentic designer labels). Granted, I understand, but so far they have only let me list 3 items in a 30 day period. How and I supposed to be making any money only being able to list my stuff 3 times a month? That limit stinks and doesn't stop counterfeit stuff from being sold anyhow. BOO on this new account limit crap!

So it looks like craiglist is now going to have to be an outlet for me as far as selling. Which sucks because the item doesn't get as much exposure there as it would on eBay. But, shoot it's free and I can make my own terms which can't be beat. I am so fed up with this mess trying to sell stuff on eBay. They are a bunch of rapists and are doing a good job capitalizing on people finances. I know people now more then ever are trying to get rid of some impulse purchases and luxuries no longer needed on eBay for some extra cash flow and eBay just goes and helps them self to a whopping 10% on peoples hard earned profits. This explains why shipping prices have gotten ridiculously high on simple auctions, and why people are setting their buy it now prices at nearly close to or exactly the value of the item (meaning no significant discount from the regular price), just to make up for these new crazy fee's and automatic deductions eBay and Paypal are helping themselves too. I can imagine how much $$ they rake in a day from those 80¢ here and that $8 bucks there. Insanity.

Within The Pages...

2009-02-23T16:14:00.003-05:00

Just had to make a random post about this. I got my hands on a copy of my most favorite childhood book ever, Georges Marvelous Medicine. This is my most favoritist book from my most favoritist author when I was a kid. I am doing such a happy dance because I can't wait to re-live each moment and scene in this story and break out in stitches like how I did when I was 7-8 years old! I am going to devour this book in less than an hour. This is going to be this biggest bout of nostalgia I've probably ever had. R.I.P Roald Dalh.

Back On The Network

2009-02-21T21:18:00.005-05:00

Ahh, the internets. I'd like to say that I missed it and hyperventilated everyday not having access to it and a computer... but alas after nearly 2 months, you get used to (and find use for) all your new free time. But it is good to be back and I am enjoying the pounding headache I have received these past 48 hours trying to update myself on whats been going on with my cyber musings.

I am currently on my same old PC but with a new harddrive. Still haven't transferred my data yet but hope to have that done within the next 2 weeks (crosses fingers). The lesson learned here is that computers are electronic devices, and like all items in it's class, they can/will crack out on your unexpectedly and without warning. So it's always best to have a back up (for any and everything). I procrastinated upgrading and getting an external storage device and I payed for it.

Anyways, I wish I had a super interesting update to post to make up for the unplanned vacation from cyberspace, but frankly I don't. Life is life. I still have my stresses but I am doing better. I am in the process of simplifying my life in every outlet. I'm the type to get panicky and excited for stuff that really shouldn't get to me and I am trying to work on just mellowing out. I have been enjoying it and relishing in the things I enjoy doing and that calm and relax me. For example: Mixing up so cassia or a Bentonije clay treatment for my hair is fun and it chills me out, so I do those things more often. Before I only used to treat myself for a special occasion or when I am bored. Now if I feel like it, I do it, whether its a pedicure or a facial (all of which I do myself) making my own conditioner, or having a bubble bath, I do it, and I am healthy psychologically for it. I am less stress and it also boosts how I feel about myself.

Other then that I will be keeping myself busy working on this PC (both in $$ and updating the thing), and getting closer to getting my new laptop. Other then that, nothing interesting going on at all....

For now :-)......

-SHADOW

Impulsive Shopper

2009-01-15T09:20:00.005-05:00

Finally got that annoying line in the middle of my posts to go away. XTML is something unpredictable. You have no idea what is going to just pop up on your page. I'm glad I am able to get the configurations, figure it out (like I learned with HTML with is WAY easier), and get a little savvy in it. Moving on.

How am I blogging? Well I started a new jobbie job, (nanny again) and I have access to a laptop here which is definitely a benefit for the, oh 13-15 hours a day I am here. It just a temporary favor though because the lady I am working for is looking for a live in. Being she is a 1st year resident at the hospital right next door, a live in is ideal for her unpredictable and extensively long schedule. She is interviewing someone this weekend and if all goes well her worries of childcare will be over. She did state that she would still need me a few hours a day to help out the new nanny which is cool. The 1st child, who is 5 is moderately autistic/schizophrenic and is quite the patience tester. In either case, it looks like I'll be able to save up for a new laptop soon. The PC I am using is convenient but isn't going to work for me as the space bar is jammed (Ihavetoslamitwithmythumbwhichisannoying) as I am sure the kids spill juice and get all kinds of things on these keys. Yeah.

My days are busier then I expected. After being here from 5:30-6:00AM to 7:30 up to 10:30PM, I am wiped out by noon, and wish to do nothing but sleep when I go home. I miss being nocturnal a bit. I have been that way since birth, so It's weird for me to watch the sun rise without being in bed to pass out.

I have been scrambling to remember all the regular sites I ~~stalk~~ visit on my old PC but thankfully with the data transfer they said they can also transfer over such things like favorites/bookmarks from my Internet browser which is hella cool.

My only problem is prioritizing. I need to learn how to put money away for something I need in a jar or something, because if its in my checking account it will be gone to something else totally random. I should have had enough money already to get my external hard drive and pay for the data transfer. Yesterday I just spent $50 on this. Oxygenics Spa Showerhead.

Do you see what I mean by random? That $50 bucks I am out of the $150 I need to get the service done already. Don't even get me started on the new Zune I am upgrading to from my old Samsung YH-820 mp3, that's currently in my eBay watch list. My brain just thinks about all the stuff I want and turns them into needs and suddenly I NEED to get a new shower head because the one I have now sucks when it comes to water pressure, which reminds me I need a new cartridge for the shower filter, and oh yeah that reminds me I want to upgrade my Canon SD870 to the new SD880 while the 870 doesn't have much of a price difference, umm and I wanted a new pair of ugg boots in black because my pink ones are falling apart, oooo look Starbucks.... (I'm so glad I am not the only one like this).

I think I need a financial adviser to keep me in check. Or a swift kick in the ass.

-SHADOW

Cracked Out

2008-12-30T17:46:00.002-05:00

My dear readers... (All 3 of you) :-)

I have been MIA for a while due to a very good reason. My trusty Dell inspiron laptop that I have had for about 4 years, has taken its last breath and cracked out on me on the 15th of December. My hard-drive crashed and I have been trying to hustle and get a new one. Ideally, being that I knew my PC was getting up there in age, I wanted to upgrade to a new Dell laptop before it crashed so that I can transfer my data. So right now all my photographs, videos, documents, music and games are somewhere in cyber land on my hardrive. I have no pesos right now for a new one and my warranty exprired on the PC April of this year. But I am not entirely screwed. My primary issue when it happened was my information. The light at the end of the tunnel is that it will only cost me $150 to get all of my data with the Best Buy geek squad. But first I need a new PC. And an external hardrive. Bleh!

Anybody want to donate to my new PC fund? :-)

In any case, this blog will be on hiatus for a while. I am not able to get into blogger mode here in Harlem by my grandmothers (Im using her laptop). Lets hope I can get back into the business early within the new year.

Illusions Gone

2008-12-09T22:25:00.005-05:00

I have no words. But this song pretty much sums up the primary emotion I feel. I love when I can just go to a song and it pour out whats in my head or heart. Music is a big part of my being:

Follow you close four steps behind.
Part of me knew all of this time.
Pushed it down deep, kept it so small.
To help me keep these fragile walls,
From crashing down around my feet.
Don't make a sound, just let you be.
Lost in her face, can't turn away.
This final blow helps me let go.

Don't stop now, I need this to hurt.
Burn it into my mind.
No more second guessing anymore.
This is how it ends.
So don't stop now, get my head on straight.
And if seeing this is what it takes,
Please don't stop it now.
This will be the last time.

This darkened street you go to hide.
Illuminates you are not mine.
These tears run cold, my body numb.
I am not whole, what have you done.
It all makes sense, the disconnect.
Too many words we left unsaid.
But still I stare frozen here.
Until the curtains close.

Don't stop now, I need this to hurt.
Burn it into my mind.
No more second guessing anymore.
This is how it ends.
So don't stop now, get my head on straight.
And if seeing this is what it takes,
Please don't stop it now.
This will be the last time.

I need to see this through until this final bow.
Illusions gone, the show is done.
So don't stop now.

Follow you close four steps behind.
Part of me knew you are not mine.

Artist: Emmy Rossum

This song has been on repeat on my MP3 this morning when I was on the subway. Now it is on repeat on my PC.

Random WTF Moment

2008-11-24T00:01:00.004-05:00

As if there remains anymore doubt that majority of our food is now genetically modified, tonight we found one of the most wonkiest things I have ever seen in my life. Meet Frankengrape.

WTF? Formeldahyde?

2008-11-16T21:06:00.002-05:00

Just when you think you are doing everything it takes to be healthy and health conscious. You monitor your diet; what you cook and put into your body, as well as products you put on it, and then you realize you still get some sort of sick illness or ailment because of your underwear.

So I'm sure everyone knows by now that Vicky is getting sued (again) but some disgruntled customer complaining about rashes and irritations she has been ailed with due to one of their bras (at least she still has her eyesight). As I was watching the report online, something struck me that this situation hit home for me as I recalled that I too had rashes and crazy 'going out of your mind' itching when I wore my bras (especially if they were new). For the record I ONLY have and wear Victoria's Secret bras and that brand is the only one I wear because for me, the quality is great, and its the only brand I trust to heft my DD's. When I would take off my bra sometimes, I would have some red welts underneath my girls due to the unconscious rubbing and scratching I would have done through out the day. I would have to cool them off with a stream of cool water from the shower and use baby powder to get rid of the itchies. I always had just assumed that they weren't laundered properly or it was just normal friction that got exaggerated by my scratching. Now certain bras has been tested positive for Formaldehyde. Yes the same damn stuff that preserves dead bodies and is in your nail polish. The same chemical that isn't just linked to cancer, but has be proven to cause it, as is very hazardous to your health. Umm, yeah.

Well this got me thinking. First, what the hell is formaldehyde being used for in bra making? Maybe it is a by product of the dye/colour? Maybe they are sprayed with some kind of a solution in manufacturing before shipping? After doing some more research, apparently one website that lists the story say that the chemical is used to make fabrics crease resistant. The company released a statement saying that they do not use formaldehyde in the manufacturing of their bra's, and as much as I always roll my eyes when companies release blatant lies to the public to cover their own backsides, in this case, I'd like to give Vicky the benefit of the doubt. It could very well be that by some fluke, a routine procedure done to these bras is some how leaving traces of formaldehyde on them. Which makes me even more adamant to the fact that people, when you buy under garments, from anywhere, WASH THEM FIRST! It should be a no brainer for their panties, but their bras as well. Vicky does let you try on in store and accepts returns of bras, and you have no idea whose tata's were in those cups before you bought them.

As for me and my devotion to Victoria's Secret, as long as Adriana Lima is a model, they have my support. Otay, on a serious side, I am between a rock and a hard place. Believe me, I have purchased cheap brassieres in the past and my rack has destroyed them to shreds. I'd rather pay $40+ for a bra that is going to last me a few years then $15 for one that will last a few months. Will I never purchase from them again? Most likely. For two reasons. The bras with traces of the chemical seem to be from the Secret Embrace and Very Sexy Extreme Me Push-Up lines, neither of which I purchase from (at least the push up one, have to check my other bra's). Secondly, I guess I'd like to believe that this is nothing that can't be laundered out. Bra's, new or old new to be laundered very well and I don't see how a chemical like formaldehyde can linger in fabrics after a good wash (which is most likely why I have not had that problem since I haven't had a new bra in a while). In either case, next year May, we will find out what is really going on with this. Until then I will be looking into this Fredrick's of Hollywood place that people have been talking about they are going to switch to. I do believe I may have 1 or 2 of their corsets from eBay, but I have never purchased from them directly nor own any of their bra's. I will post an update after I have browsed their website.

In any case, what next? Next I am going to find out that my pajama pants and under shirts from Old Navy are sewed with rat poison.

Ummm

2008-10-26T14:45:00.007-04:00

Why is is so hard to update a blog these days for me?

I think I have grow tierd of venting about the same BS. I figure, if there is nothing good to write about, no sense reliving the drama in writing.

Maybe its because my channel for blogging has fueled into a 'just get out the damned house and go do something' outlet for me which I find far more exhilarating then blogging and sulking. Shopping is a therapy all of its own, and I have been embracing it.

Most of my weekends now have been spent in Brooklyn. On Sundays I go to the Atlantic terminal and walk around aimlessly in Target. I grab some grub at the Vegetarian Restaurant on Flatbush. If I am not in Brooklyn, then I am in Columbus circle. I mull around in Aveda and Sephora, and stay in Whole Foods until it closes. They updated Whole Foods now! They have a big open space for Whole Body, which is like a magnetic vortex that I get sucked into.

I like the time away from my mother. I like the fact that she gets jealous when I just up and leave the house when she would rather me stay here as she picks an argument with me. Cackling like the witch she is when she realizes her words are crawling under my skin. She pleasures in trying to break me, in trying to make me feel like shit to make her self feel better. she hates the fact that I have close friends, and people that I can talk to about any and everything. She hates the fact that i can be happy and have fun. If it's not about her; if she is not getting THE attention, she gets so vex! And that makes ME happy.

So what have I been up to?

ChaCha. Have you heard of it? I'm a guide and its finally fun to be able to sit on the PC all day and get paid for it. My goal is to make enough to take a vacation in Barbados for Christmas. So I will be busting my ass to make as much as I can so I can live it up while I am there.

Oil Cleansing. I will make a post about this later, but it is officially my new best friend, and it is saving my skin since winter has started.

A few days ago I finally stopped by the Godiva Chocolatier store at Columbus Circle. I had never had Godiva chocolates before and I finally decided, Id figure out what the big deal is myself (since probably some nice gentleman friend wasn't going to buy them for me :-). So I walked in, told him I'm a newbie, and asked to sample all of the best sellers. Holy batman, orgasm in a bite of chocolate. I literally took a bit and examined the piece to see if what I was eating was still real. I had no idea chocolate could be so flavor and SMOOTH. It was worth the $13 bucks I paid for like 6 pieces or so.

I finally purchased my CoCo Mademoiselle. A perfume I have been feening for about a year but couldn't justify paying $110 for 3.4oz. Well to hell with that, I finally purchased it and I couldn't be more happier. I believe every female has her signature fragrance and this one is definitely mine. I cradle my $110 bottle and tell her she is pretty and call it George. Not the last part, but you get the idea. Je' Adore Coco Mademoiselle.

Did I tell you how big my sweet little Ah-Ann has gotten? She such a big lady now, and more talkative then ever. I missed her lots and lots and look forward to spending more time with her now that she is back in NY. I took these photographs yesterday.

Posing. She loves the camera now.

With her older sister 'Canaan'.

Now off to hunt down the house for my passport.

Edit:

Where are my manners?

Here's some updated photographs of the OG of this house. Daddie.
October 17th made it one year since she has been my little stinker.

A year ago!

Good Riddance Summer

2008-09-02T21:33:00.004-04:00

Fall is officially here for me and I couldn't be more pleased with myself and the upcoming colder days. Did I mention I hate summer? Yes I do, and I will not miss these miserable, hot, sticky skin and sweaty days. Good riddance!

Now that is out of the way, I figured I would take this time to vent a little. I have nothing witty or sacarcastic to write, because I am in a bit of a pissy mood. But lets just say recent events in my home these past few days have driven my stress level up a few notches. My young sister is acting wild and my mother is acting like a total 3 year old brat. All of this fueled the 2nd part to chronicle of 'Understanding My Mother'. My memory is resurfacing some interesting milestones in my life which is revealing the root of why my mother and I have no sort of a relationship. And why there'll never be.

I feel a head ache coming on so I will digress from that subject. Lets talk about how much I love the fall.

FALL FALL FALL!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!

It is my favorite season. Ever. I love the gloomy cast skies, the breezy winds and the dead leaves. Even in the city the air smells really good. Fall is all Emo and I love that. My hair also loves the colder months. I can't wait until the temperature REALLY drops so I can flat iron my hair and feel how smooth and sleek it feels when the cold air breezez through it. Gahhhh. Good hair day everyday. I also can't wait to soak in a nice bubble bath and have it actually feel good, without being sweaty, funky and just plain ole' UNFRESH 2 seconds after getting out. No more sweat spots in my shirts which get funky really quickly and forces me to launder more frequently then I'd like. I also get to whip out my trusty black Pea coat and Ugg boots which I can't wait to jump in and feel like a stylish NYC chick. Which isn't really the case when I am all put together but do burst my bubble, otay?

Speaking of clothes, I need some new duds this fall. I really want to get a couple of wool/tweed skirts because I think they can be stylish.... dressed up or down depending on the occasion. Although now that I think about it, I assume they will be hella hard to find in ankle length. Heck majority of the skirts I like don't come long. Blahhh.
I also need to invest in a few pairs of tights to wear under my skirts during the colder months. I love the way they make my legs feel. Am I the only one whose legs feel more nimble and light in a spanking new pair of tights?
A few neat sweaters would do me good, but its very hard to get a good sweater that doesn't look like grandma knitted it for you. Thats one of the reasons why I hate sweaters because they are so 1980's (circa Cosby family). But the ones I have seen in Old Navy recently, don't look too bad. Which gives me the impulse to go in there tomorrow and see what they have on the racks because I am pretty sure their fall clothes have come in already.

Oh, and Trader Joes? It's like the new Whole Foods. Otay so I am late on that, but woah I went into the one in Times Square and I couldn't believe the price difference. Although Whole Foods carries more of my favorite items, for the basic stuff like natural/organic loafs of bread, condiments and the sort Trader Joes is my new man.

Totally off topic, but then again how else did you expect me to end this post?

Daddie Vs. The Crayfish...

2008-08-06T19:13:00.005-04:00

She Won.
(Duh!)

The Victory Pose:

It was an epic battle of claws and jaw breaking shell and tail and pincher's pinching the hell outta her face and neck. Even with me joining in with an handy hair stick trying to pull Daddies skin out of the grip of their pinchers (got to come to my babies defense).

Alas she does look quite pleased with herself doesn't she?

In The Sun....

2008-08-05T16:45:00.006-04:00

I'm back.

Otay I have been for a about a week now but laziness got the best of me.
When I came back from Miami last week it was crazy for a few days as my family and I were flooded with loads of laundry (everyone came back up with a suitcase full of dirty clothes) and finding mystery rotten food (I'm sure were aren't the only ones who forget that one dish to either use up or freeze before an extended leave). And since my mother has some extended vacation time from work, she has lit into 'handy woman' mode and is trying to cram in some much needed 'house work' such as rearranging furniture, giving the kitchen and living room a new coat or paint (and colour) and going into a 'everything is garbage' tossing frenzy. Fun times.

Daddie came along for the 18+ hour drive both ways and she was a trooper. She is such an easy friend to travel with and just chills out in her little travel bin and doesn't give me much trouble. I was both tempted and urged to release her in the swamping waters troughs that align pretty much every road in that part of FL, but I thought against it (even though there were other Snappers in the water). I realized that thoughts of letting her go are getting harder which is going to be an issue. Other then that she loved Miami and the extra freedom she had when I would take her for a walk in the grass (which she loved to dig and nest herself in) Her natural instincts are very much intact because she can hear her prey before anyone else can. She gets really still, eyes focused, and starts to crouch ready to spring up and snap. She did this when she saw a bird perch on a nearby wire while I had her in my hands cooing at her. She went from being so attentive to our conversation to trying to figure out how in the hell she was going to eat the bird. She has a serious case of ADD.

I enjoyed getting out of the NYC for a while, and I am glad that I was pretty much threatened to go. Next on my list in Barbados, and I am hoping to go before the year is out, although that would be a solo trip.

Candid Photos:

This lizard was flirting with me hard core.

This things were everywhere where we stayed. They even peeped in on you on the windows.

Snapped this in night mode and it came out pretty good for it being pitch black outside. This fellow and a few of his friends liked hanging out by the pool (which is a couple of inches away). I'm glad in the midst of his 10 ft high jumping, he kept still for me to snap this.

The are the swampy waters that align the roads down there. For them being so dirty, they certainly house some beautiful and really huge fish of really pretty colors (which didn't show up in the bottom photo because of the glare... hey I never claimed to be a professional photographer!).

With a trained eye, you might be able to see the little snapper I was trying to catch a picture of (I can see it). When I saw him, I said 'Daddie, I found a husband for you!' but she didn't seem interested. He is maybe 1/3 bigger then Daddie. Daddie is the size of a Big Mac now!

Daddie chilling in Miami..... (with her fat self)

Understanding My Mother… (the first in a series of many)

2008-07-15T01:29:00.002-04:00

My mother is one of those few who can be a peace loving soul and yet an overbearing tyrant. A combination of both her parents create a unique confliction between the two traits; both dominating over the other at once. Her mother, a quiet, peaceful and at times somewhat miserable soul, shared her life with one who was quick tempered and a sharp tongue; with a fuse that could be categorized as short, but yet that is an overstatement. Together they reared 5 children, all of which seemed to take on a bit of each parent, leaving my mother smack dab in the middle, seemingly carrying equal parts of both spirits.

My mother is the type of person that knows what she wants, likes and is very much in tune with the things that displease her. Although her threshold for nonsense can be quite deep, it is during the moments where her queue has reached its limit that seems to create the most troublesome moments. She is of those types of people that are very difficult to decipher at first glance, but yet easy to read once you get to know her. It is with this knowledge that you must guard yourself with, otherwise her moments where her fuse blows will catch you off guard. I sometimes worry about her; what she is capable of doing at those awkward and heated moments. Where her body is tense and her agitation is easily read in the lines of her face. I wonder what goes on in her little brain; what vivid thoughts flutter by in her head as she huffs about, slamming cupboards and doors expressing her frustration. What makes a smiley, soft and properly spoken women go off in moments where she can throw a temper like a small child.

I know her childhood was rough. I sometimes wonder if it is because of this fact, that she made a choice to make our own (my sister and I) a living hell for quite sometime. Sometimes, in her quest for perfection, she made silly and embarrassingly stupid and selfish mistakes that caused us to suffer. And amongst it all she never did seem too remorseful for it.

Now that I am an adult, my previous hatred for her has evolved into piqued interest in her psyche. Her thought patterns and what goes through her mind at her weakest moments. Why she seems to enjoy blaming everyone else for things that ideally are her own fault. Why she seemed to cling to men that were no good for her. The real reasons behind why she kept/is keeping so many secrets, even from her own daughters. The complexity behind the choices that she makes, her sharp defensiveness, and her own strained relationships between her family and siblings.

In either which way, I have decided to write about the strained relationship between my mother and I, as a way to released the pent up energy that I have that is fueled by confusion, hurt and anger. The bond between a mother and daughter that if it ever did exist betwixt us, was extremely short lived, but that I craved at one point. I had no one, absolutely no one. If only she would understand that my own life complexes are fueled by her careless and selfish thoughts and choices in the past. The reason why I find comfort in the friendship of males, and why I don’t trust women. It is very sad that my close male friends know 98% more about me then my own mother. I don’t tell her ANYTHING personal about me. Absolutely nothing.

I am glad an angry driven rant (given some time to reflect) turned into a piece that shows understanding, thoughtfulness and somewhat pity for my mother. She has been aggravating me all day and I guess after my anger fades I try to have the compassion and understanding for her that she cannot show to me. Evil seeds of bad tempers and selfish, thoughtless behavior are passed down from generation into generation and I don’t blame her 100% for the person that she is. All I ask of her daily is that she tries a bit harder. To be a good person and mother. I am an adult and don’t need anymore raising, but sometimes… sometimes it would be nice to have a ‘friend’.

Journey On The Master Cleanse

2008-07-13T20:06:00.003-04:00

I completed the Master Cleanse last week Monday but didn't get around to posting about it because... well, just out of sheer laziness (yeah, that energy high faded quick). I just didn't feel like editing all of the posts because frankly there were a lot of grammatical errors and typos up the ying-yang, not to mention a lot of repetition and whining. I have concluded that when you are starving and detoxing, your brain is a little fried in the process. But I have only edited the errors and not the main content. I'd like to keep them in their 'raw' form because I can have a precise account of exactly what I was experiencing at that moment.

To conclude my experience though I will say it was beneficial and unregrettable. It reinstated my ability to fast for a long period and still decently function. My expectations of it also where met. I wanted my skin to be ‘glowy’ and brighter and brighten it up it did. I realized that cayenne pepper is a dilator to increase blow flow, and 1/2 teaspoon of it fresh everyday really did the thing. It was like I had used shimmer and blush on my face everyday I looked in the mirror. I have since kept with the cayenne pepper to because of its many benefits (inside shiva link here). I plan to do this detox once every other month. It seems doable and I need to get into a routine of giving my body a 'rest' every once in a while from processing and digesting, and allow it to fully regenerate. Case in point: I recommend it.

Let the whining begin:

Day 1: 6/28/08 ~ 9:20PM

Today was easy and I think it was because I was completely inactive. I was in bed all day and I wasn't very ambulatory except to shower, wash and treat my hair. I did have some hunger pangs but they are quieted down when I take a swig of the lemonade surprisingly. I think this is because the heat of the cayenne pepper becomes very warm in my tummy giving the effect of fullness, kind of like a warm meal.

I did feel like quitting during the afternoon hours. Mainly because I kept forgetting that I was on the thing and was wondering what I was going to cook later. I kept focusing on sweet corn and/or pasta or sautéed soy meat of some kind. But I continuously told myself that I am not going to quit or cheat. The guilt afterwards would be unbearable. I do know, that if I hadn't had made the lemonade yesterday, I probably wouldn't have started today. They fact that it was already made and bottled in the fridge really was a helpful kicker to put away procrastination.

The only thing I am surprised at is that fact that the mixture doesn't taste bad. I expected it to, especially with cayenne pepper added. The pepper doesn't burn as bad and not for long (I started to chase it down with water after a swig of the juice to help aide the slight burn).

Well that is day 1 and so far I THINK I can do this...

Day 2: 5:42 PM ~ 6-29-08

Today was rough. I didn't have any prepared juice for today because there were no lemons in the house. I woke up around 10:30 AM (which is usually early, especially on a Sunday), and my mother and I didn't get out of the house until about a quarter to 2PM. By the time we got Daddies fish, finished the grocery shopping (in which I got the lemons... and limes) and then reached home, it was a quarter to 4PM. I purchased bottled water while outside to keep me from calling it quits and just picking up some fruit to eat (which I was surrounded by), but by the time we got home I just passed out for about an hour and then around after 5PM finally got up to make the juice. I just drunk about 24 oz straight like there was no tomorrow, and I am still feeling a bit hungry but not as bad as before. It didn't help that when I got out of my room the good smells of my mom cooking hit me hard. She was sautéing Bok Choy and I really did want some, but I held out and sulked my way back to bed.

I actually have to go out tomorrow to do some office work for my Godmother. I will see how that pines out; being out in public and traveling and all. I am going to make a fresh batch in the AM and bring my entire 2L bottle with me. I am really hoping I don't quit tomorrow but they say by the 3rd day you feel great and don't want to eat at all. I am looking forward to that. So far no detox side effects; hunger pangs just seem to be the only battling issue right now.

Day 3: 9:40PM ~ 6-30-08

This morning I woke up again at 10:30 something (seems to be the wake up time for me since on this cleanse), and I felt good and 'well rested' so to speak. I wasn't hungry and I had this new motivation that I could do it for longer then 10 days. As I was cleaning out the decomposed fish heads and bodies that greeted me when I went out to Daddies tank, I smelled some sort of well seasoned Caribbean stew simmering somewhere. It didn't even peak my appetite, and I could single out the cilantro out of all the seasonings. I guess that is a sample of the increased smell that most people claim to have during the Master Cleanse.

I ended up using limes this time instead of lemons (lemons are 3 for $1.00 and limes are 7 for a $1.00?). I heard there is little to no difference between the content of a lime and a lemon and it is approved by the Master Cleanse creator so I figured what the heck. The outcome is that the taste is more or less the same just a little 'weaker' to me... and the this batch didn't satisfy my hunger much like after a swig of the others. It might be a placebo effect but I am going to stick to lemons from here on out.

As usual the evenings are hard for me and I do think about quitting. It doesn't help that I was out working today with my godmother and she offered me food and had food cooking (even though it was food I don't eat). Then my little sister just popped in a while ago with some Italian ices for me, and then when I gave her that 'you know better look' she was like "Oh, I forgot, sorry", and then sat there and ate it. I just want a nice juicy plate of fresh salad. As a matter of fact that is what I have been dreaming about and craving since the end of day one. Weird huh? I don't care, I want it and envisioning a dinner meal without salad as my main dish is so unappealing to me now. I just want a nice fresh salad with everything in it to just crunch.

Speaking of crunch, I realize that I am getting bored with only being able to consume the lemonade and water. I need variety. I've been thinking about drinking some vegetable broth or something, but I know that is cheating. I am going to try some mint tea tonight and see if that helps with the boredom. I still haven't tried a salt flush or drunken any laxative tea and I am not sure if I will even bother with the salt. Honestly I am terrified by any laxative and I don't want to be doubled over in pain. The only laxative tea that I don't mind drinking is the Kleri tea from the Dr. Natura Colonix pack and that’s because I know my steeping limit so that I don't get any discomfort. If I find any stray tea bags I will drink those.

Day 4: 9:17PM ~ 7-1-08

I made it to day 4! And I am glad. Why? Because day 4 seems to be the day that my body settles into it fully (finally!).

I woke this morning 9:00AM, took a whizz and went back to sleep. I felt a little more tired then usual so I didn't get out of bed and finish sleeping until 1:30 in the afternoon! By the time I got up out of bed I was ready to get moving somewhere. So I decided to walk a couple of blocks and meet my mother after work. This walk was interesting because on a normal day it would have fatigued the hell out of me. Today I had this increased energy and stamina and could have walked more. On the way back I picked up some more lemons (and limes) and then became queasy just 2 blocks from home. I guess I had reached my queue for the amount of calories I had on reserve to do this activity.

My sense of smell seems to be through the roof. Right now I am smelling some strong Chinese food. Smells like some sort of fried and richly sauced up dish. The Chinese food store is 2 blocks up a hill from where I live. I will usually get a whiff of their cooking very rarely and very faint, but never this strong and this lingering. It smells as thought it is cooking in my house.

All in all I am very pleased with day 4 and I am glad that I managed to get here. I feel full and rested and 'calm' in my spirit. I move more 'fluidly' in my limbs and I sleep a lot better. I also noticed my tummy has gone down some, which is superb. It seems flatter when I got dressed to go out.

On the weightloss side of this cleanse, I haven't measured myself or took any before and after photos, but occasionally I will weigh myself for the heck of it. On day two the scale said I lose 2lbs. And yesterday it said I loss another two with a total of 4lbs (in water weight of course). That’s interesting. I will probably weight myself again tomorrow.

Only drawback today is that my mouth is having that weird 'blech' un-brushed feeling. I have been brushing my teeth with baking soda everyday which helps but it quickly starts to feel like this. And occasionally I get hungry still, but I have it more under control.

Day 5: 11:28PM ~ 7-2-08

During the earlier hours of today, it was an excellent. I woke up feeling no hunger and with enough energy to spend the day walking about. But I may have been pushing it when I do go out for a walk. I eventually get lightheaded and queasy and very faint as I realize that there isn't enough calories in my queue to commit to such exertion. It doesn't help that I don't bring my juice with me because 1). I feel I don't need it and 2). The bottle is a little bulky and heavy to walk with. During one of those faint moments this afternoon I had nearly made up my mind to cheat and have a Vitamin water for some calories to keep moving, but I just kept buying bottled water to keep me hydrated until I got home. I walked a lot today.

The faint feeling and nausea didn't wear off all while I had long gotten into bed to rest. I attributed that to detoxing. I only drank half of my juice today which is a 1st. I just don't really want it much anymore. Today was a water filled day. I will put the other half in the fridge for the morning.

I also experienced those moments where you go into deep thought and you over analyze certain areas of your life last night before I fell asleep. Eventually all my thoughts lead to me becoming emotional and slightly depressed. I held my head down for most of the walk and didn't really feel like conversing much with anyone today or even to laugh. I feel miserable and lonely right now.

Tomorrow I go in again to my godmum for more paper work. I plan to stop by Trader Joes in Union Square tomorrow to look for some soy cheese. It may be suicide but I think I'll be alright.

So far I love how I feel in the morning. Not hungry, energized and at peace. I am also very nimble when I leap out of bed. Not sluggish or achy at all. It seems nights are my weak spot and I think it's because I am a night owl (although I have been going to bed earlier since I started). I wish the AM feeling will last the whole day. If that were the case I could do this for 20 days or so.

Well anyway, I am half way there.

Day 6: 9:41PM ~ 7-3-08

Woke up not feeling very hungry. Poured a glass of water and didn't want anything else, much like yesterday. I finally started my rags today (I have been spotting for a few days now which never happens) and after a few hours, felt the need to cheat and have a Motrin. But before that, I had a suspicion that the cleanse has affected my cycle. It has been trying to come down for a few days but didn't fully start till last night/this morning. Mild discomfort for a while but nothing to demand a pain killer until after 2-3 hours or so. It wasn't that it was completely unbearable, but I wanted to be on the safe side since I had to head out to my godmum later in the day. I didn't want to be in any cramp outside. I felt guilty when I took the 2 Motrin’s, after all, I am supposed to be detoxing my body from these sort of chemicals. Seems like my body wasn't having it and within 20 minutes or less they were puked up. After I regained my composure and limped back to bed, I forced myself to drink the last bit of the left over juice from yesterday to see if it would make me feel better, and within a few minutes it did. I haven't had any pain for the rest of the day.

Aside from the last bit of juice I drank earlier, I haven't made ANY today. Just been drinking water and I have been fine. I am officially over cravings of particular foods and am over my hunger at this point. I do feel numb inside and wake up feeling very light but weird every morning. It feels like I have been doing this for a lot longer then 6 days.

I don't think I am going to go beyond the recommended 10 days. I wanted to do 14, but I figured technically it would be for 14 days because I have to transition back into food after completing the cleanse, and they recommend orange juice and broth for the first 3-4 days. It will probably be by the 5th or 6th day post cleanse that I will be able to get a decent meal. So Tuesday of next week I am going to end it and start the orange juice/broth.

I definitely have goals to be more raw post cleanse, especially since my cravings for salad and fresh food haven't gone away. I see my self incorporating something fresh and uncooked with every meal, having salad with dinner or even as dinner daily. This is new for me, because I am not really a fruit and vegetable person (hard to believe I know). A typical meal cooked in my household would consist of a starch (rice, potatoes, pasta etc.) a cooked vegetable (corn, calaloo, bok choy, spinach, cabbage etc.) and a soy meat (fried and then sautéed tofu or a frozen meat replica of some sort from china town that our freezer is always stocked with). My mother is the only one that would sit down often and munch watercress by the bundle with her meal. She loves that stuff. Now I pretty much can't picture eating any of the stuff without a portion of salad next to it.

Anyways I still feel a bit hungry toward the evening hours as usual (maybe my body senses that food is cooking and everyone is out there eating), but these hunger pangs are not violent anymore and nothing that would cause me to quit. I have occasionally had to stop myself from reaching for a snack food of some kind, or tasting a dish prepared in the kitchen; not out of hunger, but out of forgetfulness, habit and boredom from not having something to chew for 6 days. So I stay out of the kitchen.

Day 7: 4:04PM ~ 7-4-08

How did I left this cleanse fall on a holiday? It's July 4th and the smells of BBQ's and grilling foods are stiffening the air. My mother is cooking up a storm for our neighborhood BBQ. We never attend for several reasons, but she was requested to contribute a dish or two to the affair, so she obliged. She is making some Caribbean dishes, and my house smells like rice and peas and steamed seasoned cabbage. I walked into the kitchen to find a platter of freshly fried tofu strips on the counter. Habitually, I would sneak one and munch it behind her back (so delicious! tastes like chicken) and I nearly saw myself doing it, just out of habit. They were so inviting and I could already taste the texture and flavor in my mouth, but I quickly snapped out of it. By this point in the day I realize that maybe I could use some lemonade after all (I haven't been drinking any) and just made a single glass serving and wolfed that down. I feel better.

For the 1st time since the cleanse, I did the salt water thingy. Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But I will limit the details in this post and kind of just summarize all the grossness of the cleanse in one post set for that stuff with a warning at the top.

Other than that I am fine. I heard there are pans and pans of food outside at the gala and I can smell most of them at my bedroom window (none of which is food I would eat period, but flavorful nonetheless). So far I am not tempted to cheat nor am I going crazy with madness. I am very happy that I reached this far, and in a way, am happy I am cleansing on a day like this. It shows that I have will power.

Oh and I weighed myself this morning and I have a total of exactly 10lbs lost. That’s exciting, but honestly I don't 'see' it. I do 'feel' it though :-)

Day 8: (9 technically) 2:32AM 7-6-08

Today was good. I didn't get enough water in though (our Kangen water supply finished) hopefully tomorrow it will be replenished. I only had one serving of the juice today.

This morning though I woke up with really bad pains in my stomach. It felt like my stomach was turning into itself from being empty most of the time. It was like OD hunger pains; so bad that it WOKE ME UP out of my sleep. Once I got out of bed and began to move around they went away. This is the first time since I started the cleanse that I have felt pain like that in my tummy.

Anyway, I keep telling myself 48 hours to go, 48 hours to go! It's sad that I am counting it down... usually people want to go longer. In different circumstances I probably would, but for me it isn't necessary. I don't eat meat, smoke or drink so I am pretty healthy in that aspect. I also justified quitting at this time because I am going to continue my cleansing with the colonix pack, which will continue to speed things along on my road to better health. I told myself that as soon as that arrives in the mail I will break the master cleanse fast. Hopefully that is on Tuesday, which would be day 11. If not I will be on it a day or two longer. I ordered it yesterday (it usually comes rather quickly so I am not too worried).

Once the colonix arrives it will be orange juice in the morning with the colonix fiber and then some broth/soup for lunch dinner, while still having minimal servings of the lemonade (I will also be popping their probiotics tablets which is another reason why I can't stop the fast until the package arrives). That should go on for Tuesday & Wednesday (hoping that UPS drops it off by Tuesday) and then Thursday I will start to have some solids (salad, maybe some crackers, small bites here and there of light foods). If it doesn't come on Tuesday then I will just be behind on breaking the fast but this is what I intend to do regardless of what day (2 days wait before solids).

That’s about all. I am so glad I am already in day 9 already so that all I have to worry about is 1 more day.

I have been a good little monkey.

I have not had solid food or any drink other then the lemonade in 9 days

I have not put any food into my mouth in 9 days (not even to taste and then spit out) nor have I chewed anything, not even gum.

I have bared hunger pains, dizzy spells and nausea at my weakest moments during this detox and I have not said 'screw it' and used them as excuses to give up or cheat.

I have reaffirmed my knowing that I indeed have discipline!

Day 9 (technically 10) 1:00AM ~ 7-7-08

Today was rough. I am not a happy camper right now.

It isn't based on detox symptoms or moments of weakness. This is all based on the fact that our water supply ran out (we drink Kangen water) and the person responsible for our replenishing fell through on coming at the last minute (like really at the last minute; we're talking 12:00AM notification).

I have patiently waited all day and because I expected them from early, I stupidly didn't buy any emergency water (Poland Spring) at the supermarket. Our water supply had finished yesterday evening so I was really dying for hydration of some sort.

The supermarkets close early on Sundays here so I was screwed and ended up buying a 12oz bottle of water at the bodega. I quickly used that to mix up a single serving of lemonade (which I needed) but may have been a bad idea now that I think about it.

The acidity has gotten to me. My throat is on fire because I have nothing in my system and the bile from my stomach (and probably the lemon dregs) are constantly rising up in my esophagus (like acid reflux) and burning the day lights out of me. I want to cry just out of pain and frustration from the whole day. I am so aggravated and sad right now.

I honestly feel like quitting. I am at a really low point right now, and the only thing that is stopping me is because 1). I don’t want to quit 1 day shy of my first MC cleanse (that’s just stupid), 2). It would be suicide to eat anything now because I do not have the probiotic pills and I would be setting up myself for some serious pain and danger by eating anything right now) and 3). I would feel hella guilty.

At this point I don't care. I have to have a few bites of something. The acid in my throat is killing me and on top of that I have to go out to my godmum again tomorrow but with what energy? I made it this far though and I have 23 hours to go. Can I make it? Is it worth it? Do I want to?

Day 11: 3:16PM ~ 7-8-08

Day 10 went and came by very fast. I didn't get the time to write about it last night because I had company over that didn't leave until very late. I was also very exhausted and knocked right out after that, so I will try to do a recap:

The end of day 9 (or start of day 10) was pretty bad because my throat would continue to get those spurts of acid and burning. So I ended up cheating for the 1st time by eating 3 pieces of fruit shaped snacks and then going to bed. I think having them go down helped a little.

The next morning I purchased a 3L bottle of Poland spring and ended up drinking 2/3 or it for the whole day. I mixed up some lemonade and added extra cayenne pepper for energy and blood flow. I was feeling very lethargic and guilty for the whole day and by that point I realized that I was stressed and my body had reached its limit. Poland spring water does nothing for me and aided in no energy like the Kangen water does, so I ended up making a decision to quit exactly on day 10 and start having something as another energy source. So I had a few sunflower seeds that I began to snack on. Then later on in the day I purchased some Chinese fried noodle (those crispy sticks like that you add to soup) for my soup/broth that I requested my mother to make for me, but I ended up snacking on a few of those. I also had maybe 3 of my little brothers French fries. In total today I probably had less then half and oz of food but food none the less and I shouldn’t have been having any (my probiotics aren't going to be here until Monday). It did serve it's purpose though and I had energy enough to walk about and come home. I didn't get any Kangen water until after midnight this morning, and downed about 1 liter of it and passed out.

In spite of my snack binging yesterday I got on the scale this morning expecting to see weight gain and I was down another 2 lbs. I am very happy about that. In total I have lost 1 stone on the cleanse (14 lbs) and I feel pretty good about that.

The only issues now is that it is going to be several days until I get my colonix delivery so I am going to definitely limit what I intake and keep drinking the maple syrup and cayenne (I don’t think I want more lemon juice). I had some OJ for breakfast and a few sunflower seeds today, and for the next few days I am probably going to be eating only a handful of easily digestible food during the day (I justify this because I only did the salt water flush for 1 day out of the entire 10, and if I were doing it everyday I would probably fall under the majority that doesn’t have any bacteria in the intestinal lining to break down the food).

So all in all I'd like to think I made it through 10 days even though I quit (or cheated) on day 10 exactly (I don’t feel too bad about it because most people cheat at least once or twice during it and I have been really good! No crumbs or gum or juice or anything!). If the situation would have been different I wouldn’t have but the water situation really through me for a loop and I had a rough 24 hours.

The good news is that my body is still detoxing and I’m going to continue a modified version of the cleanse up until next week Tuesday.

You Know Times Are Tough...

2008-07-05T22:03:00.004-04:00

When Mr. Softee is charging $2 for an ice cream cone and the swirled ice cream is cut in half from how how it used to be (as soon as the cone is full they cap the top off with a little puny swirl)...

I feel so sorry for this generation of young kids. I remember when Mr. Softee's ice cream truck would 'badinga-gading' around the neighborhood with that (now annoying) song and all the little kiddies would beg mom or dad for a BUCK and get a swirled cone that was swirled so high if that if you weren't careful it would topple over from the weight (which resulted in many a bawling kid as his ice cream hit his shoes).

Good times...

Now sad times.

Such Is Life...

2008-07-01T19:29:00.003-04:00

I'm still around, trying to keep busy...

The next post I was going to make was going to be my daily journal of the Master Cleanse. I tried/am trying it. I am not going to say if I quit or not or anything yet... just stay tuned for the next post. :-)

Other then that I have nothing really interesting to write. Just thought I'd update for Jul---- holy smokes we are in July already. July is always an interesting month. July usually revolves around going to FL, meeting up with everyone from the W.I. islands at camp meeting (not sure if I am going this year though), my brother's birthday and possible a trip to Sesame Place (shut up, I love Sesame Street). I am hoping to go to some theme park this summer before they all close.

I did some side work this week and I am looking forward to that $ which will quickly be spent at Aveda for the skin care line that I need (I don't have acne, but the manager said that it is geared for oily combination skin, which is what I have). And possibly their new Dry Remedy which I am so stoked got released just today. Finally! I have been on edge all of June for it.

I guess that is about it for now. It's sad that Aveda and Cookie Monster are the highlights of my summer so far...

Master Cleanse?

2008-06-24T12:43:00.003-04:00

It's great to feel better. I am about 98% over my little cold and seem to be only battling some crud on my chest that I am hacking and spitting out occasionally; which I attribute more then anything to getting it out of my system faster.
Now that I am feeling better, I have the urge to go back outside and do my usual weekly runs to Whole Foods and the pharmacy Old Navy etcetera, etcetera. This run, I will be picking up the ingredients for a juice fast called the Master Cleanse.

Have I been living under a rock? I have never been privy to the Master Cleanse and it's popularity before. It seems pretty simple enough, but I haven't done a fast in a while so I am not sure how strong my willpower will be as far as giving into hunger. But I am really excited to try it. I think my body needs it, and it seems like a really good head start until I order my colonix in the next week or so. Besides, when I DO fast, I feel the best health wise after the 3rd day or so, compared to when I am normally eating. Although nothing really compares to my colonix so far, I am curious as to what this ghetto version of a lemonade diet is really going to do for me health wise. The things I look for is my complexion evening out and my skin to sort of glow. I also look to see how my energy fathoms out for the day and if my tummy goes down some.

I think I will start the Master Cleanse Thursday of this week, and try to go for the recommenced 10 days. It seems like the average individual while on this cleanse keeps a journal of sorts so I will chronical my experiences as the days go by and make it into one post. The only cons that I can see now being issues for me during this cleanse is the annoyance of buying and squeezing fresh lemons everyday and I am also not looking forward to the cayenne pepper.

I am going to follow the below video for the basic recipe.

Has anyone heard/tried the Master Cleanse? Is there any good benefits to it?

Me Schick...

2008-06-19T21:56:00.005-04:00

I have a cold *sniff*. In the middle of June. That's what I get for making fun of the 4 people I know who caught the flu since the summer started. It just didn't make any sense to me.

But it is a known fact that I RARELY ever get sick. Once every year or two at most. It was only until that tingling in my throat that I had yesterday that turned into a full blown sore throat and congested sinus cold this morning, that I put a reason to my sporadic bouts of sickness. I realize when I do catch something, it's not due to skipping on my supplements, eating junk food, forgetting to sanitize my hands after touching doorhandles or light switches or even having someone cough or sneeze in my face...
It's stress. And anytime I put myself under emotionally and psychologically draining anguish (letting a situation get to me and having a good cry), I weaken and utterly break down my immune system, which in turn makes me susceptible to any bug going around at the moment. I didn't make this link until today, when I realized that 2 weeks ago I had a moment of an emotional breakdown, and like clockwork, I now am quite sick.

Because I rarely get sick, it is very hard for my body to process all that having a cold/flu entails. Being stuffy and congested makes me feel like I am going to die, and my body feels so over heated and achy. It's not common for me, and it seems like it lasts forever. Right now my throat is sore and my nose happens to be congested AND runny at the same time. The usually light but crisp fragrance that omits from my reed diffuser, is irritating the heck out of my throat right now. I can't taste anything, and although I am a bit hungry, I don't want to eat.
I feel bad enough that I was possessed to take an over-the-counter drug to combat some of the symptoms I am having. I have never done this before as 1. My mother is a herbal Nazi and raised us on all natural herbal remedies growing up. If I were younger, she'd be shoving a clove of garlic mixed with pulpy lemon juice and honey down my throat right now. And 2. Pharmaceuticals stuff scare the crap out of me.
But right now, Dayquil & Nyquil are my new best friends, and hopefully will get me through the night with the capability or breathing through my nose.

I am off into my bed to cuddle up into a ball and feel sorry for myself....

Patches Update!

2008-06-17T20:10:00.009-04:00

I realized I haven't updated on Patches since this post when he waddled into my life (and heart). Shame on me!

A lot has changed these past several months since this little critter came into the house. Here are a few highlights.

Patches is very rarely referred to by that name. He is exclusively 'Daddie', Poppa Stinky, Baby or Mama.
Patches is Female :-)
SHE IS SPOILED ROTTEN!
Her diet is strictly fish. Some dead some live. Occasional bites of greens or fruit. Doesn't care of the Reptomin turtle food anymore.
She knows everyone in the house, she knows when her food is coming and she will snap the crap out of you if she is hungry (which is always).
She doesn't like to be held or touched, but she shows her affection by stretching her neck to it's highest peak and making eye contact with you (as if to give you a kiss)
We occasionally give her a break from the tank and let her crawl around a bit in the living room, but she always ends up waddling back towards her tank.
She LOVES her rock, and will firmly grasp it with her claws and mellow out.
Watching her float is one of the most hilarious things!

She seems to be growing every night right before our eyes. She is a bit of a brat, especially when it comes to her food (shes knows whats fresh and whats not, and she doesn't like anything too soft or soggy). She always raises her head up out of the water and blink her eyes at me when I greet her in the morning and blow her kisses. She knows she runs this house! I am like her little slave constantly running to the pet store to get 40 fishes or so every few days. And she is so ferocious, that sometimes when her belly is full, she just kills the extra fish just because; and leaves their carcasses on the tank bottom.
You learn a few things when having a snapping turtle as well.

When the head of a goldfish is torn off from it's body, it will still move its eyes and mouth for a good 15 minutes. I guess it doesn't realize it's body is gone. IT IS CREEPY AS ALL HELL!
Turtle poop smells just as bad if not worse as human poop.
If you put a snapping turtle in front of a mirror, it will snap at it's own reflection. Pure entertainment!
You seriously can't have anything in the tank but a simple rock/floating rock and a small filter. They will destroy any and everything.

I was so in love and proud of my turtle that I even thought I'd share some photographs of her on an online community I am a member of. Everyone was very receptive to Patches but a small few who gave me flack for housing a species like this. Saying how she is going to die and how I can't provide a safe environment for her, how I have to do this and feed her this and provide that and I wont be able to replicate a wild diet for her. I am fully aware that he is illegal to have as a pet, and I always wondered what exactly I was going to do when he got too big for a tank. I was urged to contact a turtle rescue organization and have Patches taken away. When I did contact the organization they said that the best thing to do is release Patches in the habitat where I found him when the months get warmer. And these are my intentions. To release her sometimes soon. But now that the 'warmer' months are here the thought is getting harder but I am still determined that it is the right thing to do...

For now I am just going to enjoy my stinky and her company. She isn't in any danger and she is well fed and well taken care of. When the time is right in my heart this summer, I will most likely release her in the Central Park lake (that is also inhabited by snappers). I am sure there will be lots of tears but I love her enough to know that it is in her best interest. After all, she is my little Stinky and I want the best for her. :-)

This is what Patches USED to look like:

This is her now :-).... (less than 7 months later)

(Caught her yawning!)

(Couldn't wait for them to get out of the bag!)

(You can see her crazy eyes here as she focuses on an unlucky fish)

(We cheer her on when she catches one)

(Here she is showing off her catch)

(I love this portrait of her. She is only this calm when no fish are in the tank :-)

My Favorite photograph of all:

Daddie & Me = LOVE

Suicidal Heat

2008-06-15T21:34:00.010-04:00

So it's that time of year again. The time of year where I want to peel my skin off, run the streets naked, sell all of my possessions for a one way ticket to some remote tropical island, or jump off a local bridge: with the hope that the water below will send a chilling sensation through my body that I am in dire need off.

I'm sure most of you bastards have the luxury of an AC, or well ventilated homes with backyard pools, sprinklers and even snow making machines. I'm sure some of you mocked the poor saps that were stuck in the NYC heatwave, most of whom got socked by Con Edison with unreliable power that either kunked out or went low. The heat wave was TORTURE and my mother thinks Air Conditioners are the devil on ones health, so you can imagine how I suffered.

But the heat has tapered off a bit the past few days which has caused body heat as well as tempers to wad down. I even wondered off in the kitchen to bake a carrot cake a few day ago that was so good, tempers flared up again for the last slice.

My hopes of this summer is that it doesn't get squandered away like the summers have been these past several years. As much as I despise the season with a passion, it doesn't mean that I have to sit it out at home sucking on Popsicles while rocking slowly back and forth in madness. I plan to make some memories, and possibly head back down again to FL for another sun burn. I also got a little job to occupy my time, helping my Godmother with her office work for her childcare business. I love any type of office work whether its typing up documents, filing, filling out forms, organizing or even stapling. I am just grateful for something to occupy some of my time, because if I don't have anything, I will go stir crazy. I can't wait to sink my teeth into it.

In the midst of the blazing hot days I figured I would jump on trying to get a bit more healthy during these months before fall arrives. My appetite since the heat wave struck has been little to none. I am basically eating one small meal for the entire day or drinking nothing but water. I have no hunger pangs or appetite for food. I have also been eating more organic fruits and using more organic products purchase at Whole Foods. Especially after taking some time to read this book I got from an acquaintance of mine.
Honestly, the information in the book about the foods & drugs and such alliances in America is not foreign to me. But to have it lighted up in such detail really let me know that this isn't the time to be playing games with my health. I can't cut corners and be cheap when it comes to what I use on my body or put in it. Which makes me aware that it's probably time for another colonix. It has also stirred up a new found desire to relocate out of this country....

Aggravation

2008-06-01T00:50:00.006-04:00

So I am not completely satisfied with the way the template currently is. But considering that THIS is what it used to look like, I think I picked up XML fairly quickly enough. Go me!
I e-mailed a friend of a friend; a guy who is supposed to be XML savvy enough to help me fix the current issues that I want to edit. Like moving the comment link to be traditionally displayed at the bottom of the posts, trying to override the template default setting for how posts are displayed, and fixing the wonkified widgets; with the comment link being the one that is primarily riding on my OCD. The primary issue with non-blogger templates is that it cancels out your widgets; even the basic ones like a link to your blogger profile. If you don't scan through the code to change a 'no' to a 'yes' it completely takes over bloggers settings causing you not to be able to edit anything in the layout. So once I figured that out I copied and pasted my widgets into the template (after finding their codes and saving them).
Pro: The template reads the widgets and displays them. Con: The widgets show up all wonky on the right side of the screen and I have no idea as to WHY, or how to fix it!
I am also happy to have navigational tabs at the top of the blog now. I didn't know you could have had those with blogger. They were working perfectly before and all I had to do was input the links. But after the whole widget fiasco and trying to figure that out, I screwed around and wonked those up to, so now they can't go directly to a website because it is acting like my blog is hosting the page. Grr!

The friend of the friend hasn't responded back to my e-mail yet, so I will wait it out and see what advice he has for me regarding these issues. Blogger is useless for help when it comes to this stuff so for now I am just going to ignore it and continue with my regularly planned posts.
I'm not sure yet, but I may switch to another blog hoster. I like blogger, but it doesn't seem to be cracking it for me anymore. Is wordpress any better?

Needed A Change

2008-05-19T00:00:00.005-04:00

ARGH! Excuse the blog layout. I just upgraded to XML... by accident.
I have no idea what this is... its completely different from HTML, which I spent months trying to learn.
The great thing is, I figured out how to switch back to HTML after I freaked out trying to undo the changes. So I can always fall back to my original 'lotus flower' layout if things get crazy.

Since I am XML now, I'm exploring it, and so far I like it. I may stick with it if I find a XML template I actually like, that screams 'me'. The key word being 'like' there, because when I find it, I wont be able to edit it.

Please bear with this wonkiness.

Journey To Natural Alteratives #2

2008-05-18T16:55:00.009-04:00

So, a few things have changed, since my last post on this subject; I've been doing more research and came across some more startling facts and information.

Since 'Being Green' is the in thing now, I noticed there are a lot more natural alternatives for several mainstream products and brands... even Clorox is jumping in on a line of natural cleansers. This makes choice shopping a breeze for vegans and long time natural activists (a.k.a Hippies & the Boho types). This step also changes the significant price increase that natural products are known for, since these new products target a broader base of buyers.

The thing that I find ironic is, it took the world coming into a nature crisis before people started jumping the wagon on being more earth friendly. I find this thought hilarious in a sarcastic sort of way. I mean, after all the pollution, cancers and diseases that have reached an all time peak; now is when they want to hit the laboratory to start finding how to make rubber foam out of soy. Nature has always been such a wonderful and vast source for every need for healthy bodies and homes, and if a lot more time, funding and 'give a damn' was put into alternative research, there would be a bigger spectrum of products on the market today that wouldn't impose so many health risks to our body and the planet.

Anyway mini vent over. So majority of the changes I have made in my previous post haven't changed much if at all, except that I haven't 100% nixed the microwave yet (although I am rarely using it now). Also I never did order that Royal Kaydin Bar Soap (although I still may in the future), and I no longer use Lavilin Deodorant Cream.

Based on my recent discoveries, I also have what I call my 'No-No' list. It's a conscious ingredient list that is programmed into my head to go into alert mode when I am shopping. I now consciously read labels on my hair and skin care products, quickly scanning through for the 'No-No' ingredients to surface from the sea of long jumbled letters. Sulphates are still on the top of the list but I have now added:

Mineral Oil, Liquid Paraffins or any type of Petroleum derivative (Carcinogen): Read on it HERE
Parabens of any sort (Methyl, Proply etc) (Cancer causing preservatives)
Alum, or any type of Aluminum derivative (Safer then aluminum, but still cases traces of it)
Talc (Linked to breast cancer in women): Read HERE For All 3.
Crafty new names for Animal Proteins or By-Products (Vegan No-No)
Certain Silicones, especially if the product is heavy laden with them, and how may are water soluble or not. (Dries out hair & skin; some may be petroleum derivatives also)

Based on this new list I have had to say goodbye to my beloved Johnson & Johnson Lavender Baby Oil (Mineral Oil) which tears me up because this was a shower staple of mine. (But I am also equally disgusted at just how horrid our government is in not regulating half the ingredients that is banned in the UK alone. How many innocent mothers slather their infants skin with this stuff? It just pisses me off.) I plan to replace the baby oil with a simple mix of Extra Virgin Olive Oil, a sprinkle of crushed lavender flowers and a few drops of the essential oil (Olive oil leaves my skin softer, compared to the baby oil). I have also had to get rid of my J&J Baby Powders and I quit using Lavilin because of their Talc ingredients. Lavilin did work well for me but I started having a reaction from it. It caused painful lumps under my arms which caused a lot of pain when I raised them and may have been messing with my lymph nodes there (I am not exactly sure as to what ingredient may have been causing this). I hated to quit it because it worked so well, but I quickly decided it wasn't worth it after not being able to deal with the soreness and pain, so now I am back to stick deodorants (currently using J/A/S/O/N Lavender and Arm & Hammers deodorant sticks).(Pictured: Bath & Body Works Glycerine Soaps in Totally Tropical & Peony, Arm & Hammer/J/A/S/O/N Deodorants & J&J Cornstarch Baby Powder, which I used to replace the talc version)

For my bath soap, I fell in love with Glycerin Bars, particularly those from Bath & Body Works. Glycerin leaves my skin very very clean (squeaky clean) and they lather very well. It's a pity that the same day I discovered their array of fruity blissful scents, was during the sale when they were being discontinued (having them on sale for a $1 a bar from their usual $3.50). Isn't that so like Bath & Body Works, discontinuing their best products?! I have now resulted to buying them on eBay and scoping out their sales for a few stray bars. J/A/S/O/N Tea Tree Liquid Soap has also been my liquid body wash (and Dial Bar) replacer, for now. Tea Tree oil has long been known for it anti-microbial properties as well as it's strong pungent odor. Thankfully this liquid soap's scent is soft and fresh. I also fell in love with Dr. Bronners 18 in 1 Liquid Castile Soaps (The almond one). The scent is delicious and it also leaves my skin very squeaky clean. My hair LOVES this as a shampoo as well. (Dr.Bronners Castile Soap In Almond & J/A/S/O/N Tea Tree Body Wash)

I have also taken my 'greeness' to my laundry care. It wasn't something I gave a second thought to, but I started using it in PA at Andria's house. Arm & Hammer Laundry Detergent cleansing agents are supposed to be 100% derived from plants. The fragrance is very crisp and fresh and the price is actually the same or little bit less then the Tide I used to use. I noticed I also don't have the itches when I wear fresh laundered clothes any more. This is a detergent I wouldn't feel bad about using if I wear camping in the woods and had to hand wash a few clothes.

And last but not least... *dum da da dum!* My DIVA Cup.

Who would have thought, right? I think this is the most conventional product out there. Up until 3 weeks ago, I had no idea there were menstrual alternatives. I thought it was either a pad, tampon or the shot to get rid of your period altogether. Upon discovering a thread on a online community I am a member of, I realized there are cloth pads & liners, seas sponges and cups!
WOAH! I know I am so late with this but I had to learn more. After all, being on my rag is one of the few things I am always seeking to make easier in some way.
The posts on cloth pads were a bit off putting... and still are. I'm really not cool with having to clean and store those things in a cold water container under the sink until wash day. But I am open to cloth liners and may get a few very soon as back up when I am using the cup.

When my mother was younger she used cloth pads, and she was shocked when I showed her the threads online where people still use those things. They have come a long way from when she used them though. All different prints sizes and materials... and you no longer have to fold them. Turns out disposable pads and tampons add their huge share to landfills and waste dumps & sewers (to those who flush theirs) right along with disposable diapers. From a health perspective, I've just learned tampons and pads also also loaded with chemical based fillers, and are also bleached. I read that some women have allergic reactions to them. But my attention went to menstrual cups, and after doing some brief research all of last week, I know currently own my own.

WHY HADN'T I DISCOVERED THIS SOONER?

It's so innovative yet it's been around since the 1930's. You just fold it, slide it in, it pops open and collects the flow. After a bit of trial and error, I know I will NEVER, EVER go back to disposables again. Not only do I not have to worry about emptying it for no more then twice a day (no risk for TSS like tamps either), its very low maintenance and I feel more freer then anything. It's also less messy then wearing a pad and believe it or not, my usual cramps and discomfort where a significant minimum on my first day (which some ladies have attested to!).

So these are my updated changes, and so far I am really happy with them. Research and learning about alternatives never stops for me and there will probably be a part 3 to this is the next few months again. And once again I hope this information can prove beneficial to someone.

Till later!

-SHADOW

PS: Next Post I will be updating on my experience with the Diva. She is my new best friend.

Aries Nut Job

2008-04-10T15:27:00.006-04:00

Today is my sisters Birthday. She turns 17 today.
As much as we fight, I always feel inclined to do something nice for her, or make her happy. She is easily crossed and suffers from a nitwit case of OCD (worse then mine), so it doesn't take much for her to give you serious attitude at the drop of a pin. Effort in making her happy is not an easy task.
Well, anyways, my birthday was shit this year but that doesn't mean hers has to be, so my mother offered to get her a Carvel cake, cook a bit and invite some of her friends over on the 13th. Her DAD even came by this past Sunday and gave my mom some cash on her behalf. She is going to loose her shit when she hears that.

On a side note I have been frustrated and paranoid lately. It seems like my past dark battle of depression decided to creep back in my life and remind me what it feels like to have no desire to be on the face of the Earth anymore. "Ahhh...", I thought to myself "Now I remember what it feels like". Thank God I know how to get rid of it; it didn't consume me and I feel a lot better. Positive energy is my focus and it does help. If I was a lot healthier I don't think I would be having such mental turmoil. I am a firm believer in healthy body = healthy mind. I know that I need to be more active this summer and start eating right again.

I still have no desire to blog. There is nothing interesting going on in my life. There is that whole PA fiasco, then when I get down to it, I will vent about. My thoughts are scattered a lot more of late, and it is hard to put them into writing and have it make sense. It does help when I don't use this format though. I notice when I give myself time, and save my information in 'Note Pad' or 'Microsoft Word', I can edit and then copy and paste here. So until then I will be scarce here.

Traumatized/Not In The Mood

2008-03-11T15:18:00.001-04:00

I am not dead. I was in PA for a month and today makes it a week since I have been back home in NYC. It was the worst experience ever. When I have more time I will blog about it. Right now I just want to put that whole experience behind me.

I am also on a crappy wireless connection here at home. It's unreliable and slow and unsecured but it's all I have right now unless I ask a pal upstairs to hook me up with his linksys password. So my blogging is going to be down to a minimum until I can get a reliable connection. Right now I am working with 11 mbps. Nice.

I am one of the bloggers that will have a something interesting and worth posting about. I would have it all in my head, down to exact sentences and points and everything. And then by the time I get to my laptop, I have either forgotten, become lazy, or my original ideas are ridiculous and no longer worth sharing about anymore. I swear my OCD gets the best of me sometimes.

So anyways that is that. I am hoping I can find another job here in NYC that doesn't require me to move out to another state. Been there done that and NEVER again.

I guess thats it for now.

My Ass Is Red...

2008-02-12T22:45:00.010-05:00

I got spanked hard, and I liked it. Elaine, me love you long time.

So she gave us some interview questions on her blog for her readers, and like a good little house bitch I copied and pasted so mommy dearest wouldn't come at me with some wire hangers for not completing the assignment; so here goes.

1. If you had a chance to go back in time and live in another era, what era would be and why?

I would have to say the Medieval/Victorian era or even the early 1900's. Everything was simple, precious and timeless. A lady was a lady, and was treated like one. Men were gentleman and people were more proper and cordial. I also prefer the attire that women wore back then (hoop skirts, capes and laced corsets) and I am pretty sure I not only would not be sending so much money for these articles of clothing now, but I probably wouldn't be an oddball or be mistaken for a witch when I step outside my door.

2. What's one thing a person can do to make you instantly dislike them?

Lot's of things, but I would have to narrow it down to making a complete vain or narcissistic statement. I don't like people who are all about themselves. I can also instantly dislike someone if I see them physically abuse/discipline an animal. I don't care if its a newspaper to a puppy's bum for peeing the carpet, hitting animals isn't cool. Or really small children. Especially in public.

3. If you could pick one meal/food of your choice to eat as much as you want and never get fat or suffer any health consequences from it, what meal/food would you pick?

Roti/Buss Up Shot, with curry. It's a Trinidadian/W.I. dish

4. What t.v. show do you watch that you're embarrassed to admit to?

None comes to mind. I don't watch much television, but when I do it's kids shows like 'It's A Big Big World', 'Spongebob' or classic Sesame Street from the 60's & 70's, which I am not embarrassed to admit to.

5. What celebrity are you embarrassed to be attracted to? (for example, mine would be ….Hulk Hogan. I know its gross. Shut up.)

I guess it would have to be Jack Nicholson, only because I get ragged on for it. But I'm sorry, he's some Hollywood sexy meat I wouldn't mind PAYING for. He looks like the type of guy that would pop a bottle of viagra, go through the entire Kama Sutra in one night (and each edition every night thereafter), damage me in the process like a raggedy Ann doll, and then look at my limp, oversexed body in the morning, throw me down to the floor by my hair and call me a dirty filthy whore then give me 15 minutes to get dressed at get the hell out. Which would make me pout and whine and call him daddy and BEG him to TAKE ME AGAIN...

Otay I have to stop, this is making me hot.

No One Gives A Shit About Me...

2008-02-04T02:01:00.001-05:00

It's sad I finally reach this conclusion on my 21st Birthday. Better late then never I guess.

I realize that being the silent one in the corner doesn't pay off. letting people go ahead of you, putting other peoples needs before your own only make you assed out in the end. people don't really have the same thoughts and emotions i do. you know, the idea that i will do for you now with the notion that being kind to you will be reciprocated back to me in my time of need. not that you are doing anything for something in return. it's just more the thought of knowing that if things were the other way around, you can have security and dependability from others.

unfortunately it seems that if you want to get what you want in life you have to be a bitch. and not just any bitch. a dominaring 'grab it by the horns' type of bitch that does first and then asks questions later. that makes herself her #1 priority (considering she isn't a mother), and doesn't give in to other peoples sob stories and bouts of emotion.
but that is not the type of person i am. granted i am not the most passive but i am an Aquarius and i am passionate and highly emotional and sentimental. my 21st birthday is a milestone for me, because not only can i buy drinks without the aide of 'friends', but that marks 5 years added to my life that should have been non-existent this very day when i turned 16. all i ask if for someone to care. to embrace me and tell me that everything is alright. even if it is a simple piece of paper with a short handwritten note acknowledging my existence; it is greatly appreciated. when i put so much effort in making days special for you and sending positive thoughts your way, would it kill you to show appreciation when i need it? it hurts because on this day i really need love to help me get through it; the images of my suicide attempt on my sweet 16. another milestone birthday that no one gave a shit about to the point that i was left at home alone to do it. i have planned surprise birthday dinners for my mother, completely redecorated her bedroom on top of that, baked cakes and called her friends for her day. This past October she got treated to dinner by her 'boyfriend' in Manhattan. I wasn't even there. but what does she do for me? she picks a fight with me in the wee hours of the morning of my birthday, being menacing and provoking. she doesn't even acknowledge me with a greeting in the morning because of her pride. i didn't even get a happy birthday from my best friend either today. Nor my grandmother.
i make an effort not to depend on people concerning my happiness, as i have learned a while now that i can only make me happy. so i treat myself and do me. putting myself on the back burner, i let nathan have his day earlier in pa, although his birthday was the 30th. as andria and his family gathered round a cake and sang happy birthday to him, i couldn't help but feel a little sad that people don't care enough about me to even think of doing something that nice for me. nor do i want it but jeesh at least let it be a thought? whatever. i had planned when i returned to the city tonight, to go out with dexter for drinks so that i could have my moment and celebrate. but my mother of course had to shit on that too. being evil and vindictive after we had just arrived home, she discouraged me going out again for the night morbidly saying that most people who go out these hours for fun it ends up being their last. it's funny because its almost as if she wants something to happen to me. i retorted that she needs to stop trying to control me and that if anything did happen to me, she would regret it. it was already after midnight and my birthday was over so i said, whats the point now? defeated and depressed, i let her get to me, and went back in my room and cried for a bit.
i still haven't really sucked up the tears yet but this is how my birthdays are year after year. what really was the kicker was that dexter didn't even acknowledge my birthday either. he was very understanding on why i didn't want to go out for the night anymore, but i don't really think he gets what made me sad about the whole thing. your 21st only comes around once, and i spent it watching people sing happy birthday to someone else.

enough of the sap i should be used to being ignored by now. and i am, which is why this whole thing just makes me numb inside. i don't want to sound ungrateful for life, and i know that it could have been worse, but i do need to vent about how i truly feel inside. i am justified to feel this way and i don't care what anyone says. i don't care how childish & whiny this posts makes me seem; i am going to look back on it next year and remember why i was miserable during my young adult life. but you best be damned i am going to go out tomorrow and buy me a cake. and i may even cook me a nice dinner. i am going to have my own celebration; heck all week. i will go out for my 1st official drink and i will demand attention. all by my lonesome. i don't need anyone....

after all i've been through... i deserve it.

Read The Label

2008-02-01T03:23:00.001-05:00

A few nights ago when I was with Dexter, goofing off in the pharmacy, I picked up a $14 tube of the Paul Mitchell Instant Moisture Daily Conditioner. It looked appealing, as I am looking for a product to add back the moisture in my hair in when I wear it straight, without it reverting my hair or making it frizzy. So I squeezed a pin head amount in between my fingertips and then rubbed some on a front section of my hair. Pleased by the softness I impulsively bought it, and have been using it as a leave in conditioner since then. It's a nice thick consistency but in spite of the moisture boost, I've been feeling like it coated my hair a bit too much. Plus when I washed my hands they were super slippery. Only to come to find out tonight having JUST taken the time to read the label, that I discover that it is a rinse out conditioner. Nice. I have no idea why I just spent $14 on another rinse out conditioner when I have enough of those already. Something says just screw it and continue using it the way I have been these past couple of days.

The most tragic thing happened 2 days ago or so. I accidentally dropped my M.A.C blot powder compact on the bathroom floor and the powder disc shattered and went flying everywhere. It was still like new and is a staple of mine as it really controls the grease factory that works overtime in my t-zone. I just spent $22.50 on it or something. I was sooo sad. The funny thing is the compact is pretty much scratch free and the mirror didn't even chip. I guess I can save that for 'back to M.A.C' or something. But sweeping up the crumbled pieces of this magic formula really depressed me.

It's after 3:30 Am and I am blogging when I should been sleeping. I guess I am reveling in the time I spent with Dexter today. This is the most time we have ever spent with each other, even when we first became friends in Albany 5 years ago. Having him local in the city is great because he keeps me sane, and it definitely gives a break from our long distance phone relationship. Sometime next week he'll be back in Schenectady. I try not to think about him leaving but in reality it sucks when all the people your close to live far away. Tazz, Dexter, Andria aren't people I get to see everyday so when I do see them I try to embrace as much time as possible with them. Which is why I look forward to heading back to P.A on Sunday.
I think I am going to sleep in all weekend. Which is needed because I've been randy lately and need to sleep it off. :-)

A Few Notes

2008-01-29T18:59:00.001-05:00

A few things that have been going on with me:

My Best friend came up to NYC last weekend and I decided to meet him in spit of how shitty our friendship had gotten. Seeing him made such a difference in my resentment and anger. It just made everything better and seemed to be almost back to the way things where. He is back up this weekend and will be staying a whole 2 weeks. We had dinner on Sunday and Goofed off in Barns and Nobles. I look forward to more time together.
I have reached a conclusion that my mother has no respect for me as a person and an adult. She will always speak to me, view me and try to control me as a child. Her child. She makes excuses for her mistakes instead of just saying 'I screwed up; I'm sorry'. She feels her behavior is otay because she is 'A grown woman' and is 'the mother'. I don't give my mother any problems. I wasn't a typical problem teen and hung out late or was disrespectful or even had friends over. I am always in the damned house. Based on this if I want to have one late out with a close friend, I deserve that. I even call and let her know where I am and who I am with. That is not enough. My mother grew up in a different era and is W.I. which is the problem. Now more then ever is the time for me to get the hell out of this house. She is driving me to frustration and it is going to cause me to go over the edge eventually.
I am a weight loss mail-in scam target for the past couple of years and I always grin foolishly over the incredible claims of a pill that makes you loose 2lbs a day, accompanied by poorly photoshopped before and after photographs. But the one I got in the mail on Friday took the cake. Something called magic slim ball² or something like that which is supposedly a pill that you take that swells up 50 times it's size in your stomach! An alternative to a gastric balloon, these pills fill up your stomach so you feel full and eat less. When I saw the diagram of the stomach with these water balloon looking things inside I started cracking up. These scam companies are really pulling stuff out of their bums now. How many foolish people do you think will be sending in $109 money orders for that nonsense?
Nathan (Andria's son) turns 1 tomorrow. He is such a trip and a half. He and I really bonded when I was down there in PA last month, and Andria will be having a small get together for his birthday this coming Sunday. I need the break from the city again so I look forward to going back up in the snow.
Hair rant: It's really starting to annoy me how hard it is to get Joico hair products locally. I hate having to buy it online because they charge retail price but you end up paying so much for shipping. For example lets say their moisture conditioner is $16 bucks retail, but you end up paying $23 total when you add shipping. If I found a store that sells it that extra $7 bucks could have went to another product. Ergh. I'm cheap but it annoys me that there is no 'Trade Secret' or 'Ulta' where I live, which are stores I heard sell Joico. Good news is when Dexter and I where on 86th st on Sunday night I discovered an Aveda Salon right before Barns and Nobles. That must have been new because I had never seen it before. I was super stoked and I can't wait to get a hair service done there. I heard Aveda has the best stylists.
I made an application to be a nanny. Yeah. Uhh, but I stated that I can work in either PA or Connecticut because I am so done with this place.
Note to self: When I am pissed off or frustrated, dust off my Enya CD and listen to it. I discovered Saturday night she really mellows me out.

Poor Unfortunate Soul

2008-01-14T00:27:00.000-05:00

The pangs of past issues have been slowly creeping back into my life. Things that I though I was over, like depression and ED's. The problem is that what I used to do to pacify myself and make them go away, I can no longer do. I promised myself I wouldn't; they are no longer an option. I am faced to deal. And pray and ask God to handle them completely for me. I don't want to creep back into past behaviours. Not at all.

I have been stressed of late, and my stresses and past demons consume me and I no longer have interest for the things I once enjoyed. Like listening to music, and this blog here. I am posting this entry to see if I will feel better. It's therapy when I am able to put things into words. I don't care who reads.

My grandmother called me the following evening of my previous post to randomly chit-chat for a bit and catch up, since we haven't been able to talk over the holidays. Everything spilled out, and I told her how I felt, and the wrong she has done me. I put everything I wanted to say perfectly into words, and I know I made her feel bad for being childish, an enabler and a liar. The sad thing is while I cried for a bit, she sighed like she was annoyed, yet she tried to convince me that she did care that I was cutting her out of my life. When the conversation ended, I realized how quiet, but nonchalant she was. It was like she didn't even care. Like she wasn't even sorry.

The fact that I am realizing that I don't have any friends anymore is also starting to sink in. I called my best friend Dexter New Years day, and left a message for him. I have yet to hear from him. Of course nothing happened between us, and him not reaching me makes me think of the worst case scenario. Like maybe he is in jail or did something crazy. He is staying with an ex girlfriend currently (the mother of his son), and the way they feel towards each other, my worst case scenario is very possible. I don't have any other explanation for why we haven't spoken yet, but at this point I don't really care. I had such a horrible dream about him the other night that I feel that God is trying to tell me that our 5 year friendship must come to an end. He's my go to guy, and I love him very much, but the dream terrified me. I have no idea where the chips are going to fall with us. So for now it's best that I don't hear from him. As far as my other 'friends', I hear from those 2 guys on and off. One has no control over this based on legal issues, the other I guess just doesn't have the same principles of friendship like I do.

I guess right now the only person I have right now as a friend to listen to and confide in is Andria. I miss Pennsylvania and my time with her and Nathan. I will hopefully be going up there 3 Sundays from now for Nathans 1st birthday get together. I really cant wait to get out of the city again and spend time with her to just vent and talk. Ideally, we talked about me living with her when she gets her own home after her divorce. She's like a big sister that I never had, and living with her is something I look forward too. I am already looking for work down in Pennsylvania. I need a change so bad. Any kind of change at this point. I feel like I'm in cement.

Speaking of which, I dubbed Divorce 2007's word of the year. From my mother getting her papers filed, her best friend, Andria, possibly another Andria, and countless others of people that I know personally (not including all the celebrity divorces) and have found myself questioning what is the purpose of marriage anymore? For someone who has never been married (and don't plan to be), if I ever did, I would be hella discouraged. Shak up and be merry, but marriage is a complete waste of time these days it seems.

I think that is pretty much it. I am a lonely bastard that doesn't believe in love and marriage and true happiness. The end. For now I am otay with that because I just feel so bleh.

I'll blog again when I have anything remotely interesting to write about. I wish I could get some Starbucks right now.

A New Year, A New Approach

2008-01-03T02:08:00.000-05:00

How do I tell my grandmother that she has hurt me?

My grandma. An individual I have known all of my life and that has been a good support system for me. The only person my mother would trust to have me spend a weekend with when I was a baby. She's been there for me when I had nothing, and provided for me. She was the one running around shopping for me on that cold rainy night, buying my luggage when I was leaving the city to go to school upstate the next day. A temporary refuge for me to avoid the drama in my home; albeit by 9 PM I had to be out of the hospital where she lives. She's listened to my rants and enjoyed my company during the 9 years that passed until she got a much needed kidney last year. I do care for her and love her.

Yet she has hurt me and I don't even think she knows that she has.

My father and I are estranged. She is the only link to me and him, and yet she has done NOTHING to build a relationship between us. My father has never been there for me. He left my mother when she became pregnant, after he failed to make her miscarry me when he picked her up and then subtly dropped her to her feet suddenly. Through the years when we finally got contact, he has made nothing but excuses. It's my mother fault that he wasn't around. It's my mother that stopped him from seeing me. I have vivid memories of my mother dressing me as I bubbled from excitement that my father was coming to take me out, and then him never showing. My head would drop as I stood there fully bundled up, silently listening to my mother whispering on the the phone in the next room. Asking him how was she supposed to tell me that you can't make it... again. Threating him that I wasn't going to be a child forever, and that when I grow up I will learn his secrets. And I did.

It hurts because my grandmother hides from me. She defends him when I complain about what a shit head he is. Thats her son. Her one and only.
Miscarrying her every pregnancy, she and her 1st husband (now deceased) adopted my father and infused all the love she would have had for own biological children, into him. She hides his secrets. The reason why he changed his name so often over the years. Moved so much. Left NYC in the first place. She e-mailed me about an 'emergency vacation', when in fact she was going to his wedding. Then when she showed me the photos she said I couldn't have any because he said not to show them to me. She wouldn't even give me his phone number at one point, and when I tried to mail him something earlier last year, she said she would have to mail it herself so that I would not see his address. Oh yeah.

All this stuff has been really hurtful over the past few years.

My father is married, with 4 beautiful girls (the one in the red dress, happens to be my mini-me) and a nice lady for a wife (at least from what I remember of her when she accompanied our seldom days out together). He supposedly has his own entertainment business running, but he wants nothing to do with me. To this day I believe that it is because he didn't want a black woman having his child.

I love my sisters dearly, but I do not know them. I don't think my grandmother understands how of an enabler she is, and how much she is shutting out from me. There is a part of me out there, a family I don't know and am not apart of, and her being a tool used to encourage his secrecy from me is damaging and insulting. I've soo been over this drama for a long time but I don't think I can no longer be apart of her life.

I no longer feel like family.

It's bad enough we don't share any blood together but to keep me away from my father because HE says so? The devotion she has for my father as a son is jeopardizing the relationship she has with me as her granddaughter. But I feel it's her own fault. It's something I can no longer tolerate anymore. This is a new year and I need a fresh start and if it means cutting her out of my life, then that is the way it's going to be. I need my sanity, and peace. I need GENUINE LOVE.

Am I justified in feeling the way I do?

A Year In Reflection...

2007-12-31T19:34:00.000-05:00

Otay not really.

Although I personally go by the Jewish new year of April 1st (long story), everyone else believes that at 12:00 o'clock midnight tonight is when 2008 rings in. So if thats they case then so be it.

I'm lying down here listening to Tycho's 'Daydream' and mellowing out after a day shopping up at that mall in the Pocono's (I think it's called Strouds Mall). Tomorrow morning I head back to NY and to my own bed! I have so much mess to clean up at home and I am going to miss the clean and organizational structure of Andria's home.

I wish I can sit and reflect on this year but honestly 2007 came and went by so quickly, and I feel too lazy to even put my brain down memory lane right now. Besides only negative things come to mind right now and I want to give myself some time to focus on the highlights of this year for me. Maybe when I get home tomorrow I will have a good post thought up.

In the meantime I have to pack, and tonight Andria has to work (can you believe that?!), so I'm on baby duty until the AM. I will be ringing in the 'New Year' with myself and a 11 month old. Joy. It could be much worse. I could be completely alone like how I have spent many a New year.

The year 2008 scares me a bit. Another year closer to the end, the fulfilling of prophesies and another year added onto how old this earth is. 1 more year closer to the complete end of things (no, I am not crazy).

I guess I'll see ya in '08. Happy New year every body.

Pennsylvania I Heart You

2007-12-25T00:32:00.000-05:00

First off: Happy Christmas you bastards!

I'm blogging from Pennsylvania. I like it here. In fact I love it. Andria has been such a great hostess and I feel so spoiled. I like when I can come visit a house and be completely comfortable and free to walk around and be at ease. She put the softest sheets on the bed in the guest room I am staying in, made dinner, took me to shop a bit and I'm invited to a big holiday dinner party with her family tomorrow. I wont know anybody and I feel a bit weird (I didn't know about it before I came), but she told me everyone gets crazy and has a lot of fun, plus there'll be lots of food, so I'm down. The only draw back of being here is that they have slightly hard water (I've made it clear how much I hate hard water before), and I can no longer find the Dove Moisture Mist which is the only thing that saves me hair from drying out.

I would really like to live here. It's icy and cold just like how I remembered it, and I'm all about that. The house it very cool and not stuffy and warm which I hate. All yards and lots are blanketed in ice fit enough to skate on. Andria has 3 acres of land in her backyard that I plan to slip and slide on before I head back to NYC. Oh how I wish I could stay here. If I can find work here I will kiss NY goodbye.

I will probably blog about tomorrows events, if I am not too drunk to remember. In either case this holiday is turning out to be a lot better then last years for sure. I am truly in a happy place right now.

Tis The Season...

2007-12-23T01:31:00.000-05:00

I know I have been a bag blogger. I am just going through one of those phases where you don't really have much to write about anymore. This is why I have never been successful at keeping a journal when I was younger. There would be too many many lapses in time and it would annoy me at a later time when I wanted to reread it.

My mother and I have been fighting a lot more of late, nothing serious but just petty stupid stuff that reflects the more underlying deep issues within our strained relationship. The issues between our family is that shes knows she made a lot of mistakes, but she feels that a half hearted apology for putting us through a lot of drama is enough to make up for lost years. She hasn't done much to try and repair the damage that has been done. My sister and I am not close with her at all. I've just been humbling myself and biting my tongue alot for peace in the house.

This holiday has been a drag but it could be a lot worse I know that. I only bought 2 gifts for 2 people this year and that's all I care to give gifts to right now. After my horrible holiday last year I really had no intentions of doing anything at all this year but sleep. It's sad really because the Christmas season was the season I looked forward to the most when I was a little girl. My trip down to Pennsylvania for Christmas is confirmed and Andria will be picking me up early Monday morning. I plan to spend a couple of days with her and look after her son Nathan, and hopefully come back up next weekend for church. I am grateful to be out of the house and the city for a few days.

Although there is no biblical evidence or scriptures that state that Jesus Christ was born on the 25th of December, Christmas is a time for me of reflection and appreciation. I have no problem having a nice dinner and exchanging gifts, but it is more of a reflection of the past year and putting a bright perspective on the next. Our home isn't decorated with Santa's and a Christmas tree, but we make the best of the season by the warmth of love and fellowship. I hope you all enjoy your Holiday season and remember just being with your family or the person you love is enough in and of it self to be grateful for.

And make sure you grab all jump on all those sales.

As a matter of fact my sister and her friend Marcia and her sister are going to jack up our local Target and hang out tomorrow, just to have some fun.
And try ONE last time to find the organic leave in conditioner from Whole Foods, that people keep buying out!

Peace out ya'll!

Marry Me.

2007-12-07T02:58:00.000-05:00

This is my unofficial husband. I love him. I want to make our nearly 3 year relationship legal. He's gay but we can work it out. We can have a prenuptial agreement that can let him have his boyfriends with his only duty to be on call arm candy, bed warmer and knock me up with our love child. That is all.

Let It Snow!

2007-12-06T17:04:00.000-05:00

Gah, I'm so glad I am able to type this blog post. Last week I routinely walked over to to my window sill in my bedroom to check on Patches, but this time I tripped over my laptops power cord. I use my laptop on my bed which unfortunately strings the power cord in the walkway between my bed, dresser and bookcase. I have tripped on it before, but being so anally careful, I have always caught myself as soon as I felt it hitch on my foot. This time I lost my balance and my laptop jerked and slid toward the floor. The side of my leg pinned it against the bed as I froze, but when I turned around to grab it and put it back on the bed, it slipped and fell the 4 inches it was away from the ground. For someone who doesn't have a back up hard drive and whose 4 year warranty expired this year April, you have no idea what my heart did when the screen went black. I immediately said a prayer, picked it up and pushed the power button. Thankfully it loaded fine and my computer has no damage. But the AC adapter shot straight to hell, with the green light going out and a weird buzzing sound was coming from it. With my laptop now running solely on it's battery, within 2 hours it was dead. I had just enough time to call Dell for a new one, and then end up buying one on eBay for $30 less (and if anyone knows Dell you know that most of my time was spent on that phone trying to explain to someone who barely spoke English, that restarting my computer and going into start, menu, settings, delete, escape, windows files, your momma and the monkey were not going to bring my power cord to life).
I had an early bedtime that night. I have no idea why my power cord wanted to light up and WORK all of a sudden last night AFTER the new one came, but thats another story.

I was so happy see our first snowfall for the year on the 1st day of December (how ironic, right?). It didn't stick, but it was sooo nice to see. I was out in Harlem last night and it started to snow again as I headed out the bus to M.A.C on 125st. With all the tree's and Christmas lights on the street, I was really starting to feel the holiday spirit. You know... that warm fuzzy feeling inside that makes you want to bundle up with blanket with a slice of pumpkin pie and hot chocolate by a cozy fire while being sexually molested under said blanket by your boo. Anyway the snow flakes were alot thicker and more defined last night to the point where they were sticking in my eyes and blinding me, but it only left a thin icy sheet which melted this morning. Of course it didn't melt away without providing some form of entertainment, making everyone doing the Souljah Boy dance while trying to walk on the street (you know, the whole slipping and sliding to the left and.... forget it, it was supposed to be funny). I am looking for the big blizzard that leaves mounds of heaping dirty snow on the corners. Then I'll be happy.

I have no idea how enjoyable this holiday season is going to be. Last year I spent Christmas arguing with my mother and sister, to the point where I got ill. And I was the only one who gave people presents. I didn't get SHIT. This year I may cook, but only because I want to. Or I may go to Pennsylvania to spend it with a lovely lady and her baby and husband I met when I went to FL this summer. As much as I would like that, I am one of those weird people that can't spend the holidays anywhere else but home. Not only does it feel weird, but it feel likes it's someone else's holiday and not yours. It doesn't feel the same if your not in your own home with your own blanket and the stuff your familiar with. Is anyone else like that?

Anyways I'm going to go stuff my face. Oh I have a post coming up about stuff from M.A.C., I'm just too lazy to get to it now.

Peace!

Loca Soca

2007-11-27T00:38:00.001-05:00

This weekend was definitely a change of pace and I enjoyed it just for that simple fact. I regret not trying to take photos of the thanksgiving spread I was invited to this year with my broken camera, but it was fantastic. It was nice to sit down to a big meal that was cooked by someone else. It felt good. From the time my family and I walked in, we were sat down and told to dig in. For a vegan thanksgiving, the food selection was vast and equally delicious. There was pumpkin soup for the appetizer, sautéed veggie BBQ chicken steaks, collard greens, cole slaw made with sliced cabbage, carrots and currants with vegan mayo, seasoned rice, piegon peas cooked down in coconut milk, and a unique type of cornbread made by the dinner host eldest daughter, Wendy. This doesn't include the baked chicken, fish, macaroni and cheese, peach cobbler and apple pie that she also made for her husband daughter and her sister and husband who were the non vegetarians at the dinner. My mother enjoyed a slice of the peach cobbler and soy ice cream for dessert and we were all ready to pass out from nigeritis (if you don't know what that is, educate yourself).

After thankgiving we ended up spending the majority of the weekend with the family and came back up yesterday evening. Saturday night was a birthday get together for Wendy, in which a few of her family members and friends got together to eat pizza, cake and drink spiked maltas and cider (courtesy of Wendy's husband and his trusty bottle of white rum, yum yum). Being the full Trinidadians that the entire family is, Soca music was pumped and everyone (including my retarded self) whined down and danced. It was nice to let loose and have fun which I hadn't done in a while. Soca music is not the type of music you can listen to and keep still.

So now I am back home and got back into my normal routine. Right now we are redecorating the living room with hopes for it to be fully completed by holiday. Bed Bath & Beyond has been sending me nothing but coupons in the mail which I intend to use this week to get some new table cloths and center pieces. Any exscuse to shop is what I live for.

I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving and enjoyed themselves. This year it wasn't about staying home alone bored, or about rushing to cook. For me it was letting loose, laughing, playing 'Catch Phrase', and completely putting past old grudges. It was definately something much needed and appreciated.

Happy Tofurky Day!

2007-11-22T00:41:00.000-05:00

I feel pretty bad 21 days past since I have blogged. I have been trying to keep busy because if I don't, I'll go mad. The year is almost over and I need to evaluate everything going on with me and start making some new changes.

Thanksgiving isn't a holiday that is really celebrated in my household anymore. My mother with her firm belief and adoration for God believes that Thanksgiving should be a daily thing. And shes right. Why one day a year to gather loved ones around, say a long grace and pig out? So many people are on the streets, trying to hustle $2 to get a hot cup of coffee and limp burger at McDonalds at the end of the day, while most families are slaving away in their kitchens trying to cook up $200 worth of food within 24 hours that will be devoured within 24 minutes and which at least $80 worth is going to end up in the trash. I think that old bum on the corner is more grateful everyday for his warm coffee then all those greedy asses at an expensive spread one day of the year. Yeah.

The sprint of thanksgiving is that of reflection and gratitude, so I figured I'd take the time to reflect on what I can be grateful for this year specifically. Sometimes my life can get so bleak and I wonder what is the whole purpose of my existence. I feel unimportant and stagnant. It drives me to madness. But if there is one thing I learned this year, in bed while crying, that is the most important lesson of my whole life, is that my GOOD will always outweigh my BAD. And I proved it. I lay in bed crying tears of depression and sadness and just starting verbally listing out all the frustrations in my life that was currently going on. As I went on and on, I started to get that feeling that things could be worse and after looking out my window, I began to list off the things that I am grateful for not dealing with. And that list went on and on and on till my words trailed off and I feel asleep. I felt comforted and I realized that I learned something very valuable. I have never vented and bitched the same way again.

So while you slice into your slaughtered turkeys in the next couple of hours, think about the things that you are TRULY thankful for. Yes you may have had a divorce this year but think about the people who have never even been able to take vows with someone special. Yes your kid may be a brat right now, but think about the women who would give their left leg to be able for their wombs to conceive one. Yeah your car may be in the shop in need of major repair, but think about the people who are taking the bus and the train everyday, with incomes that can't even afford a vehicle. So your apartment is cramped and you need a bigger space. You want to complain to the family in your local shelter? And while you bake and fry and watch movies and play X-box, think about the people who don't even have electricity right now to light a single room. Your good would always outweigh your bad, so the next time you think you have it rough, reflect and give thanks. God is always good.

My family has been invited out this year for a nice vegetarian dinner. I am very thankful that I don't have to cook :-)

The Journey To Natural Alternatives

2007-11-01T22:27:00.000-04:00

Over the last few weeks I have been trying to find some alternatives to the products I use everyday. Natural alternatives. Now I am far from those hippie organic Nazi's who brush their teeth with twigs and smear their skin with organic mud from the Amazon. But of late I have become really conscious about what I put on my skin and hair. I am very aware that numerous Health & Beauty products are tested on animals, contain animal products and chemicals that cause cancer. I am not cool with that (especially as a Vegan), so I will be continuously making adjustments. Here are the ones I have made so far:

Switching to sulfate free shampoos.

So far I have discovered Aveda, which specialize in all natural hair care. I have since discovered the best shampoo I have ever used (meaning it didn't strip my hair and actually left it feeling soft and moisturized. I had no idea shampoo could do that!). Aveda's Damage Remedy Restructuring Shampoo is the best. Actually the whole Damage Remedy line is awesome. Don't even get me started on the Intensive Repair Treatment. That amazing reconstructor reverses all damage in your hair right before your eyes within seconds of applying it.

Discontinue use of deodorants containing aluminum.

Regardless of some what hired uncredited physician wants to get on the net and say debunking the link to aluminum deodorants and breast cancer, citing it as a 'myth and completely untrue', I BELIEVE IT. Most of the articles that I read a few years ago on the internet referring to tests done that proved the link to cancer and aluminum found in antiperspirants have all of sudden been pulled from search listings (or at least I can no longer find them). Since then people have been trying to defend it. This is irrelevant to me and would not change my mind about this. What did me in was this photograph on a webpage (which I can no longer find) of an X-ray image of a woman in her 40’s that has been using antiperspirants for years. Bright sparkle like flecks in the image showed the accumulated particles of aluminum over the years. It freaked me out! People can fight that aluminum doesn’t cause breast cancer, but it is a proven fact that it DOES accumulate beneath the skin. Since then I have been lucky to find a deodorant cream called Lavilin. It’s the best ever and goes beyond what the average deodorant stick does. It keeps you stink free for days! As a matter of fact up to 7 days. Made with all natural ingredients (a very small ingredient list with potato starch being the main one), no fragrance and only needs to be applied every few days. So you can sweat and not have to worry about being funky. Check info on the dangers of aluminum here and here. Certain forms of aluminum are also in baking powder and cookware, which pose the same risks.

Switching to sulfate free body washes

This is tricky as nothing makes my shower complete with a Dial bar (I’m germ conscious but not and OD germophobe) and a Johnson & Johnson or Olay creamy body wash. So far I still use these, but I did a search recently on alternatives and found this site and I'm going to order from them soon. They particularly have a natural antibacterial soap which is what I am interested in. A sulfate and animal ingredient free body soap is more important than a shampoo free one because it has long been proven that toxins are more easily absorbed in the skin then orally or anywhere else. Based on it's online toxology report Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS) is categorized as a poison. I read on a site that SLS (as well as the other sulfates) have been linked to cancer too as well as skin issues and hair loss (after over time use). You can read its report here & here which also includes a link to its MSDS (Material Safety Data Sheet). I have no idea how I am going to give up my Johnson’s calming body wash though. I love that stuff.

Waxing for hair removal.

I hate hair anywhere on my body from the neck down. It just disgusts me and I feel unfeminine and manly :-). It’s one of my OCD inducing pet peeves about myself so I try my best to get rid of it. I hated shaving every 3 days and so I started to use depilatories, particularly Nair. I might as well smear a chemical hair relaxer and rinse it off with bleach if I continue to use Nair. The main ingredient is sodium hydroxide a.k.a the main ingredient in Drain-o. I knew putting this chemical concoction on my skin HAD to be bad. After a while, when I learned how alkaline it was I started to spray apple cider vinegar on my legs to neutralize my skins ph afterwards (because hair and skin is naturally acidic). This helped some but the use of it was still ridiculous to me. So I came up with the brilliant idea to go the route of waxing. So I went to my local CVS and ended up buying some crap Surge wax to try. That stuff not only got everywhere and made a mess on my fingers and floor, but it smells worse then Nair. It smells and looks like the color of a cremated corpse. Furthermore, if your momma didn't tell you, I will tell you... WAXING HURTS. I trimmed down some of the hair under my arm, smeared it on and waited for it to get tacky like the instructions say, to begin to pull off the whole thing in one swipe. I leaned my hand against my medicine cabinet mirror and managed to pull the demon paste only 1/4 off before I half fell/half steered myself onto the near by toilet to sit down. My mouth stayed frozen in an ‘Ow’ expression but no sound came out. I sat down and waited for what sure as hell felt like the beginning instant diarrhea as the beads of cold sweat formed on my forehead. After I regained steady vision I stood up and continued to torture myself, removing the last bits of the wax which decided to come off in bits and pieces plucking the hairs a few at a time (I WISH I was exaggerating this story). IMMEDIATELY after, I scheduled an appointment at a spa to have a professional finish it. Two Saturday nights ago I went and got waxed for the 1^st time. It was still painful but she did it super quick and the faster it’s done the better. So from now own every 3 weeks I will be getting my situations waxed by a professional. Overall waxing is the way to go for me because the benefits outweigh the pain. No nicks, no chemicals, it lasts longer and eventually your hair comes in sparser and lighter, which is good because my hair has a coarse thick texture.

Nixing the microwave

That’s another story. I still use the one in the house but a lot less. Eventually I will be getting a toaster oven which is better. Hopefully soon. You can read all about the badness of microwaves here and here.

I think that’s about it for now. There are some more things on my to do list but these are the primary ones I am working on. Seems like a lot to process, but it's a step by step journey, and it's getting a lot easier to find alternatives because more people are getting in on this 'green' movement. There have even been sections devoted to choosing better alternatives for stuff we use daily in the October and November issues of Allure magazine. The sad thing is being health conscious is costly. You can easily go to the pharmacy and get a $4.69 bottle of Pantene shampoo and conditioner but I am making the sacrifice to drop $28.00 on a single 8 oz bottle of Aveda. The little jar of Lavilin runs about $15 compared to a $3.89 stick of Dove (but the Lavilin last forever). It does get quite expensive but I enjoy making the effort (and shopping). After all, my health is worth it.

Is yours?

HTML Hell

2007-10-30T05:32:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the layout. Blog is currently under construction.

Any HTML savvy people with ideas, welcome.

UPDATE: I finally got my blog perfect enough to the point where I am actually pleased with the layout. I should be an HTML connoisseur. This was the original layout here. Most of it was trial an error since I didn't know diddly squat about HTML or coding. Now I should be able to make a living doing it.
Finally my OCD wont get the best of me with my own damned blog.

Oh today is Halloween. If your hair is dry, damaged, breaking and dull, make sure you hang out a bit in a neighborhood full of bored teens and immature adults. Your hair will benefit with all the protein from the eggs they will be throwing at you. Go home, add some conditioner and a hot towel, rinse and wallah! A healthy head of hair.

If you have otherwise healthy hair, just bring a frying pan out with you then.

ChildHood Phobias

2007-10-28T03:14:00.000-04:00

Does anyone have a childhood pet peeve that has carried itself well into adulthood? I'm talking about stuff you went through as a kid that has made some kind of permanent scar in your life that even as an adult you don't want to deal with it.

My list is simple. My birth name and Lysol spray.

I was given the birth name Coleen. Gosh that was painful to type... Anyway, most of my childhood, people spent butchering its simple pronunciation. Named after my moms little sister (who doesn't go by the cursed name either), the 'Co' is pronounced 'Cauw' like in 'Colin'. People insisted in calling me Carleen, Coo-leen, Colin, and my most favorite Co-leen, like the Co in Co-op. Kids in school thought up clever ways to tease my name (I was never liked in school), some of the nick names, taking a sinister turn. From Mr. Clean, Clorox and Colon Cancer, I never understood why my mother gave me the blasted name in the first place, especially since it's meaning is "an Irish maiden', which is a far description from the little girl I was, to say the least. I think the bitterness of the name took a turn for the worse when years later, at the age of 10, it was constantly bleed from the angry mouth of my step father.Him screeching this name only meant my demise being it would be accompanied with blows for the most random retarded things. Eventually the name Coleen only produced a hollowing and sickening void in the pit of my stomach. Like nails running slowly down a chalkboard, it only made me paranoid and fear 'What did I do now?'. Something had to be done, so as I counted down the days till I turned 18, I legally changed it to SHADOW. It was a nickname that stuck when I was 16, and away from home at school. I figured a name should reflect the person you are, or represent a part of your character. SHADOW fits me very well. Although thanks to the lovely Tia, who didn't make me feel so much like a SHADOW today :-)

Other that, next would be Lysol. For the same reasons as above. The abusive lunatic would go through cans upon cans of the stuff due to the obsessive germophobe that he was. He would spray its contents on his skin and hands. Any place he felt dirty. he could finish a can in a day. Lysol is not allowed in the house anymore. If I smell it I fear I may flip out.

Having a chat with my grandmother a while ago, she says she can't stand broccoli. She refuses to eat it now that she's an adult. She said when she was a kid, her family feed her so much of it that she absolutely can't stand it. I thought that was funny. I guess we all have some kind of childhood demon that we shove with a broom into a closet now that were no longer under forced conditions to deal with. Doesn't that feel great?!

Say Hello To Patches!!

2007-10-17T23:42:00.000-04:00

The poor bastard. I'm surprised he's made it this long. It has been exactly 12 days since he was rescued from the jogging path near the lake in Brooklyn's Prospect Park. My mother and brother found that Saturday afternoon, after they saw what they assumed to be a small rock, move. Scrimping about in the fallen leaves beneath one of the steps they took pity on the possibly trampled on baby turtle and placed him in a plastic cup until service was over and brought him home that night. Later on we found several more of these poor baby turtles burying themselves and hiding in the dirt, completely confused, lost and probably starving; having no idea that they are supposed to find thier way into the lake below, to join their mother. After googling some more info it's stated that because of pollution and some living in urban areas like the city, when the momma turtles come on land to lay their eggs, most of these little saps don't really find thier way back.

So the following day, after he spent the night in a little dish with water and a baby carrot to eat, I brought him to the pet store. I walk up and place him on the counter and asked "Can you tell me what type of turtle this is? I'm not sure if he's even supposed to be in water" (I haven't been able to get online yet at this point). Instantly she says "He's a snapping turtle", and then picks up Patches and coos at him telling him how cute he is. She then informs me that he is illegal here in NYC and if I decide to keep him, what I'll need. I don't worry too much that he is illegal to have as a pet because he was found right there in Brooklyn, but I figured what the hell, I'll keep him for a bit and then probably set him free. But he is illegal for a reason (as I'll learn when I get home)... the same reason he is called a snapping turtle. *DUM DUM DUM*

I buy this lil bastard a 10 gallon tank, pebbles, food and a floating island (complete with 2 palm trees, thank you) while the pet store girl is informing me that he has to stay in warm water (if it's cold he will hibernate), that hes a really good swimmer so the water level can be any height and he'll be fine as long as I make sure his water is warm and I feed him and clean his tank once a week.

After setting up the lil bastard, I finally get on google to search for snapping turtle. And exact picture of him (a baby one) shows up. Cute. When he grows up...

Not so much.

Yeah so this bad boy is not only known for staring you down with a creepy 'soulless' stare (which is noted as hungry stares for this particular species), but they have been known to snap off fingers and toes during a feeding frenzy (and that time of the month for the lady turtles).

I have a vicious killer in my house!

Fast forward to 12 days later and he's living up to his species reputation. He's bitchy and fiesty as all hell and stares at you with a nasty attitude. And let me tell you; home boy may be about 1 inch long but he's already snapping at me. Just look at the photograph I took of him earlier. He KNEW he was getting his picture taken and refused to smile. I have to video tape him when he's eating... He's malicious! I put the little food sticks in the water and watch him as he instinctively creeps up on it, slowly turns his head sideways and then SNAP! Then he goes under water and chomps down, coming up to the surface for more.

I think it's cute.

I also like to watch him when he come up for air. He'll stay very very still at the bottom for a good 15 minutes, and them slowly, he'll stick his long snake like head up until the tip of his nose hits the surface. He'll get his air and then come back down and continue to blinklessly stare at me.

I think I have fallen in love with the little devil. I just have no idea what I am going to do with him when he looks like this:

But for now he's here to stay. We have staring contests and bond during his feeding times. If I see he's having trouble getting the food, I take a little piece and place it on my finger tip for him to snap it off (being he's a baby I feel safe doing this!). I make sure his tank is warm and hes swimming alright. He's named after a family friends nickname (inside joke). And if we can be cool when he gets a little bigger, I'll have him as a bodyguard.

For now he's keeping me company in my room :-)

Winter Skin Care

2007-10-11T17:37:00.000-04:00

So according to this months issue of Allure (Beauty 101, pg. 108), the reason why most people have issues with dry skin in the winter time is because of a skin barrier issue. "The skins uppermost layer is supposed to keep water in and irritants out" an associate for clinical dermatology is quoted saying, "But in winter, humidity levels drop, both outdoors and in, moisture evaporates, and skin can't do it's job as a protective covering".
Personally for me, I have no recollection of exactly what my skin issues are in the winter time. I am too numb from the cold to really feel whether it is dried out or not. Regardless of which, to stay on the safe side, the step by step guide goes on to provide some tips for increasing skins moisture levels during the cold season. Which means that our normal routines of bodily cleansing have to be altered a little.

My normal regimen consists of me rinsing my skin off under the shower head (cool water during the summer, very warm water during the winter) for a minute or two and then scrubbing with my exfoliating scrubbing mitts (they leave my skin crazy smooth) and a Dial bar (to get rid of germs and bacteria). After I've scrubbed from head to toe I usually follow up with a liquid body wash using a loofah to lather (Olay Body Ribbons Wash during the day and Johnson & Johnson's Calming Lavender Wash for my nighttime bath). After my final rise, I smooth Johnson & Johnson's Lavender Baby Oil on my skin allowing the running water to help it spread on my skin better. Not only does this baby oil smell divine (complimenting the natural scent of my skin), but it doesn't feel greasy on your skin when your fully dried.

According to the article, there are some things in my regimen that are a no-no during this season. Their tear out cheat sheet provides the following tips

Limit showers and baths to 15 minutes. Make sure water is warm and never hot
Once a week, scrub the skin on your face with a gentle face scrub or a light at home chemical peel to slough away dead skin cells
Exfoliate 2-3 times a week using a loofah and/or oil based salt or sugar scrub
Moisturize your situation! Switch from a lotion to a cream moisturizer that has extra glycerin and concentrate on parts that get the driest (knees, elbows etc.)
Nix bar soap and use a creamy oil based cleanser like Dove Body Washes as anything that produces a lather can be do harsh and drying

They also state that you have about 3 minutes to halt the evaporation of water/moisture from your skin after you step out of the shower so make sure you start locking the moisture in immediately as you step out (or use the baby oil method I do above). The humidity from the shower, the excess time spent showing, using a harsh soap and not moisturizing/sealing your skin afterwards is really going to dry out your skin and probably cause a lot of cracking and peeling which doesn't feel nice. They also state to remember to use a hand cream every single time you wash you hands because your poor finger are going to be the first to crack and split from the cold.

For me, the shower time is going to be my biggest downfall, as I am an Aquarius and I also wash my hair while I shower. Detangaling it alone is going to probably take up the whole 15 minutes I should be showering and getting out of there. For those of use who enjoy long showers, they say that if you must, coat your body with an oil or lotion before getting in to shower. Face care is also very important and they say that the same rules apply. Switching to a creamy cleanser, exfoliating once a week with a scrub or peel, and using a creamy moisturizer for your skin type are recommended.

Winter is brutal on poor finger and toes and as I just learned, your skin as well, but I love it. And I felt compelled to post this now because it looks like we are officially into the winter season over here in NY. These past few days have been very breezy, chill and gloomy. Right now outside is so dark and gray and it's raining hard. Most of the trees are half naked and my toes and the tips of my nose are frozen to the touch. I LOVE IT. I can't wait till it snows too. Every time I talk this kinda stuff around my mother and other people, they look for stones to throw at me because enjoying winter is a crime here!

Anyways, Remember to moisturize and enjoy your hot cocoa!!