SHADOWS REALM

It's been over a month since I posted. Laziness and lack of motivation. Sometimes I just need to focus on stuff going on in real life and not so much about the Internets.

I started off January with another master cleanse. I am currently on Day 9 and it sucks. This cleanse is the worst ever. This is my 3rd cleanse, and everything I am experiencing is completely different. I figured I had it covered; knowing what to expect based on my first two cleanses and the daily djournaling of each I made. Not so with this one. Day 4 was my expected 'threshold' day when I no longer feel hunger, but every single day has been miserable. I stopped drinking the mixture by day three and have been strictly on water and peppermint tea. The acid burning my throat at nights, teeth sensitivity and constant uncontrollable hunger pains has me in misery. It makes me want to never do this again. I am completing 14 days this time and have no idea how I am going to make it through this week. The plus side is I already have 13lbs loss, and I am determined to make it a total of 20lbs by Monday to really feel like it was all worth it. I will transition into solids for Monday and Tuesday so that I can enjoy my first post cleanse meal on my Birthday.


Speaking of birthday, I can only assume that I have reached the point that most grown ups do when they dread their birthdays and the increase of age it comes with. I found myself just this weekend thinking about next week Wednesday and lo and behold out of nowhere I reminded myself that I was turning one year older. I instantly became depressed! No seriously, this is not a joke; I was nearly in tears. I feel like my life has somehow just breezed right into adult hood and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. At the rate I was going just a few years ago, with me busting my bum in school, I thought I would be in Med school by this age. I should be. But things slowed down and life went in another direction, and here I am just hoping to get employment within the month of February. I always consented to the fact that my childhood was robbed from me. I can't cry over the fact that I was forced to mature so quickly, and the hardships I faced as an adolescent gave me the drive to do everything early and as fast as possible (in college at 16 ect). I flashed back to a time in my early teens where I always told myself that I would have been married and had my first child before 21 (I was stupid! I have to laugh because now I don't want or care for either marriage or children!). But gosh, here I am turning 23 and suddenly I feel old, and wasted and sad. It is sad. I suddenly feel like I am on that roller coaster everyone talks about where 'It's all down hill from here'. I feel like when I blink again I will be 30. I don't know whats going to shake me out of this mood, but I do know I need to get over it.

Aside from my boo-hooing everything is doing well. I just need to keep myself busy instead of driving myself crazy. I am releasing some of this bad energy I have been dealing with via Violin. I take lessons every Thursday and my instructor is very sweet and a great teacher. I want to perfect this instrument (like I did clarinet) yet I am still intimidated by it. My dream is to be able to play all of my favourite compositions by heart.

After this cleanse I am doing a complete diet overhaul, from what I consume to how much. For real this time. I try to eat healthy in my home, but most times I succumb to bad foods just because its there and/or convenient. My younger sister will buy her junkfood and lay it down. And if I run out of my organic snacks and there is nothing but Cheeze-Itz staring at me in the cupboard, I make excuses and eat it. Enough of that. I don't have her metabolism. While she can wolf 6 hot dogs, fried chicken, pizza and mac and cheese along with processed food snacks in one day (no joke, sometimes her daily intake is more!) and not gain a POUND, I, however, pack on a pound for EVERYTHING. I have to do better. I came across a term someone had written online that I had never heard before. Junkfood vegetarian. My eyes popped open. I realized that this was me. Just because I don't eat meat doesn't mean I am healthy. And with my BMI and extra weight, this is obvious.


I don't do new years resolutions but I am promising myself that I will get back up on my water intake. I used to be so good but have slacked because I got into drinking juice again (ones with fructose corn syrup no less). Water is what really keeps my weight under control. I can eat as I normally do but as long as I drink water my weight seems to stay stagnant. That to me is better then gaining. To loose the rest of my weight I want to get rid of, I am going to try a series of more master cleanses (yeah, I know) in 10 day intervals. I didn't know this could be done, but I saw it mentioned on the master cleanse forum that sometimes people do a 40 day cleanse this way by breaking it up into segments. I may have to do this. I can't diet and exercise. I am not consistent and rely too much on having a buddy system to be motivated to do anything. But I will try to incorporate some type of physical activity daily that can help get me fit. Even if its taking a walk around my block after dinner. I have to stop eating late and eating junk food (even if it's natural. (ex. natural organic ice cream and pizza is still ice cream and pizza). I also need to retrain my body not to crave so many calories. Get more in tune with my body's feeling of fullness. Start taking supplements and herbs for constant cleansing.

I can go on and on, but right now it's 4:34AM and I need to pass out. This insomnia is another thing. With my other cleanses I couldn't wait to hit the sack and would pass out before 10pm! Now I am up, in pain, hungry with a throat that feels its on fire, still with another 6 or so days to go. I HATE this cleanse cycle. This is torture, but it is necessary. I can only learn the hard way.